Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Carter......... I miss you.....

It seems so strange that just one year ago I was having a baby today. I rang in the New Year just me and him at the hospital and came home on January 1st of this year. He would be one today, and I wish I could see how he turned out. When would he have crawled? walked? talked? What would his first word have been? Would he actually eat real food, unlike his brother Hayden who eats only starches? There is so much I missed out on and I feel cheated. I will never KNOW my baby. We were just getting used to each other. He will always be my baby, but never my child... we never got that far. Hayden keeps asking why everyone gets to keep their babies and ours had to die. He says it's not fair. I don't know what to do but agree with him. It's just another day, just another year is going to begin. A year that Carter never exhisted in. More time to go by and erase him. I wish I could go back and freeze time. Just be with him one more time knowing what I lost. I always said I didn't like the newborn stage because it is so hard and I just couldn't wait until he was older so I could really enjoy him. Now I wish I had tried harder to enjoy what was there. He was such a good baby. How could I have not loved every minute? I miss him and will always love him..... I just wish he were still here.

Monday, December 28, 2009

New Years Resolution Time Again

It is time to make the same old Resolutions again!!

1. Give up Soda Pop.....For good!
2. Lose that 10 to 15 pounds that won't go anywhere!
3. Stop spending so much money on basically nothing (at least nothing I NEED)
4. Stop giving Hayden everything he asks for (might be the hardest one!)
5. Train for the Ragnar race in June!!!!

This year I really hope to keep at least a couple resolutions, they seem to be about the same every year and it is getting old!!! Wish me luck and I will keep my blog updated on my progress!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

MY VERSION OF CHRISTMASES WHEN YOU WERE MINE...

My Momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope your well
Well I'm doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But last Christmas was when you were mine

I've been doing "ok" without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
And everybody's here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold

But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause last Christmas was when you were mine

Merry Christmas everybody
That'll have to be something I just say this year
I hang your stocking by the rest
I wonder what you'd be like if you were here

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But I wonder where you are tonight
Cause last Christmas was when you were mine

You were mine

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Hayden is Crazy!

I was driving Hayden to Daycare and goofing around making him laugh when he farted... he pauses and starts laughing again and says "Your so funny you make my butt laugh"! He is just the cutest kid ever!!!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Babies everywhere.....

Is it just me or is EVERYONE having or just had a baby this year!! I know I am ultra sensitive but it seems like Carter would have had a ton of little friends to play with and it is just another reason why it sucks that my baby is gone. I am happy for all of the people having babies but can't help but be jealous at the same time. It makes me feel like I am being punished because there is no reason my Carter should have died. Sorry if I offend anyone but I just had to get that out. I love being around babies and am sooo glad that I know a lot of people with babies, but sometimes it makes me a little depressed to see all the babies grow up because I should be experiencing a lot of that right now. I dream about babies all the time, they just are never my babies and I always wake up feeling empty. Carter would be 10 months old this month and the more time that goes by, the more I wonder what he would be like now.......

Saturday, October 10, 2009

HAYDEN letters....finally.

I finally made Hayden his Mod Podge letters for his room!! It only took 4 years to just do it!!! I think they turned out really good and am excited to hang them in his room.

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Monday, October 5, 2009

Proud Mommy Monday!!! Such a nice boy!

I am going to give this "Proud Mommy Monday" a shot!!!!

Last week my 4 year old, Hayden, and I were watching TV and there was a cute girl on the show we were watching. He told me he liked her and that he should "get one of those" so he could tell her she is pretty and be really nice to her!!! It made me feel good because he is such a sweet little boy and I like to think I have a little to do with that. He always calls me pretty because he knows how much I love hearing him say it. It was a cartoon and the girl was blonde and curvy so he already knows what "the media's" idea of pretty is, but I am hoping it is a look into how he will treat the women in his life in the future!!!! I know he is quite young and won't have girlfriends for a VERY (hopefully) long time, but I do hope he treats them well!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

New Moon Experience!!!

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Join us for two days of twilight saga craziness
and live the New Moon Experience by visiting
Forks, La Push and Volterra all under
one roof in Salt Lake City!

Tickets on Sale Now at www.eventsbyalice.com

Monday, September 28, 2009

Hayden is 4!

My little guy is growing up soooo fast! It feels like he has grown so much this year. He had his birthday party yesterday and it was a lot of fun! He was kind of a present snob and didn't act excited when it was clothes or something he didn't know what it did. Today he has played with everything and loves them all!!!!! He spent the day with his daddy and they went to Classic Skating and played in the "Jungle" and bounce houses. He had a lot of fun and even brought a sucker he won to me at work. We have is gymnastics class tonight and he is excited to go on his birthday!!! He told me he never needs toys again because he has too many now!!! I think that will change the next time we go to the store and he sees something new. I feel like I didn't do very well with the planning of his birthday and I even forgot to buy candles for his cake so he didn't get to blow them out :( He said he didn't want to any way, so I guess it was ok. It just didn't seem as exciting as usual, and I don't know if it ever will be again. I just feel bad for Hayden because I can't seem to get into anything like I used to, and I know christmas will be hard this year, and maybe even every year. Christmas was my favorite holiday, but now it just seems so silly that we spend so much money and try so hard to make it perfect and end up stressed out. I guess I won't get as stressed because I know it can never be perfect now............ I just feel like something is missing from everything that I do now.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

September already?

I can't believe it is September already and Hayden is turning 4! He is so excited to finally have a birthday, he has been counting down all summer. He is getting so big. I wish I could see what Carter would look like now and I wish I could see how my two boys played together. They never got the chance to get to know each other. Hayden still talks about him and asks if I am sad because I just have a kid (him) and not a baby. It has been 5 months since Carter died and he would be almost 9 months old. I feel like I am slowly forgetting him and keep looking at pictures to try and remind me. I have forgotten what its like to have to get up every couple hours and I don't hear Carter crying anymore, I actually haven't for a while and just realized it. Sometimes I think it is so unfair that everyone else gets to go on with their lives, can actually get over it and just think of it as an unfortunate event when I have to re-live it every day of my life. I thought I might be able to put all the "what if's" behind me but they get stronger and more determined to pull me down. I know there was nothing I could have done and I know if I had waited to take him off the ventilator he still wouldn't have made it but I can't help but think what if. Did I make the biggest mistake a parent could make, did I give up on my baby too soon, was there a miracle just waiting for me if only I could have waited a little longer? I will never know for sure. I feel like I was being selfish because the doctors said he wouldn't make it and I didn't want to sit at the hospital for another couple days and just watch him get worse so I let them turn off the machines. Not for Carter, for myself. I couldn't take anymore, so I just gave in. I always thought I would do anything for my children, endure whatever pain and heartache that was thrown at me and now I look back and think I just gave up. I couldn't even think at all so I just did whatever was the easiest way out. Give up. Go home. I know I am being hard on myself but that is how I see it now. A good mother would have given him a chance to become a miracle but I looked at him and didn't see my Baby Carter anymore so I just let him go. I didn't know if I should even write this, I feel like it is some deep secret that should never be repeated. I feel like I did something wrong. I am just hoping that if I can write it all down maybe I will be able to let some of it go. This is how I see my baby's life: He was born, he had a bad diaper rash because I gave him juice to help him poop, he got one of my hairs wrapped around his toe and it almost cut it off, I took him on a walk on a very cold night, he had RSV and was in the Hospital for a week, he stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital and put on a ventilator, they said he was without oxygen for too long and I let them turn off the ventilator, he died.
I feel like his whole life I made one mistake after another. I never really got to just love him. He was my whole life for 9 months in my belly and 3 months and 15 days as my perfect little baby that I just couldn't get anything right with. I miss him. I missed out on raising another little boy and FEEL like it somehow my fault even though I KNOW it isn't anyone's fault. A mother should be able to take care of her child.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

...........

The Dash for Donation was good, even the an 85 year old man beat us!!! I didn't do was well as I thought I would, but I am not used to running on hills. Only 2 minutes longer than my goal though! My mom won in her age group which is really cool. Hayden really wanted to play soccer so we had him all excited and found out that he is three weeks too young. Now he is just devastated and was crying and calling me a liar because I told him he could be on a team and then told him he was too young this year. We are now trying to find a gymnastics class for him. We went to an open house today and he would'nt listen to the teacher and wanted to just jump on the trampoline. I have another introductory class on Monday at a different one that seems to be more for toddler age kids. If he isn't good and doesn't listen he just won't get to do it. I know he would have fun, but I raised a mammas boy and he usually gets what he wants so doesn't understand why he can't jump when he wants! It has now been four months since Carter died and it seems like an eternity and also like it was just yesterday. I miss him more and more. I wish I could have seen him grow up. So much happens in the first year, he would be a totally different baby now. Hayden always complains that he doesn't have anyone to play with and it just breaks my heart because that was what Carter was supposed to be doing, entertaining Hayden! I don't know if I will ever get "used" to the new normal. People ask if Hayden is my only child and sometimes I say yes even though I know they are just gonna ask if I will have anymore and then I have to lie again and say maybe sometime and they ask why so far apart in age and it becomes a whole big stupid lie so I can avoid telling them I HAD a baby and he died so I did have plans but it didn't work out so now I just don't know what I will do. I can't decide if the lie is easier or just more uncomfortable for me but less for the poor person who just wants to have small talk, but at least I don't cry. I just wish Carter was still here so Hayden had a friend and I had my baby and nobody has to be uncomfortable, but that is not an option so this is my life now. We went to a fundraiser for a family that needs a transplant and there was a little boy there maybe around how old Carter would be and he had a birthmark on his forehead like Carter. He didn't really look like Carter other than he was a white baby with blonde hair, but that birthmark was a lot like Carter's. Not shaped like a heart but in the same spot. I had too leave early so I didn't start crying. I never expect things to make me cry but sometimes even wierd things do. I saw a toddler bed strapped to a car and it made me cry, or we went to Thanksgiving Pointe and I was deciding if I should take a stroller than remembered I donated everything to the inner city mission because I couldn't look at it all just sitting around my house and that made me cry. I wonder if I should have gave it ALL away but I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and needed something to do so that was it. The morning after he died I went through the whole house and anything we were saving for Carter was donated. Now if we ever do have another kid I will have to buy everything!!! Oh well, it would have been hard to see all his stuff even with a new baby if I can talk myself into getting pregnant again.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Dash for Donation

On Saturday, August 8th my mom, sister and sister-in-law and I are going to do the 5k Dash for Donation. It benifits the Intermountain Donor Services or Organ Donation in Utah. We donated Carter's heart valves (everything else was too small to donate) and JJ is a Cornea Donor recipient. I keep thinking I need to do something to remember him, and nothing seems to help. His name is also going on the Donor Monument at the Salt Lake City Library and they are having an unveiling ceremony on August 29th. www.idslife.org/monument-i.php I don't know if seeing his name up there will help, pretty sure it won't, but it is a nice gesture I guess. I keep wondering what he would look like now at 7 and half months old. He looked just like Hayden when he was born but had started to change just before he died. I pictured him bigger than Hayden and just different, but I will never know. I also keep wondering if I hadn't taken him for a walk on a cold night in March maybe he wouldn't have gotten RSV and maybe his lungs would have been stronger so maybe he wouldn't have died. I know I can't change anything but I keep thinking MAYBE........
If I just knew WHY he died I might not wonder so much. SIDS just isn't a good enough answer for me, there HAS to be a reason and nobody can tell me WHY. I think about having another baby. Still not quite sure. Hayden wants me to "grow" another baby that looks like Carter. I don't know if I would want another boy, not wanting to replace Carter, but I don't really get to choose. I can't even imaging being pregnant again, and I really don't want to be. Adopting just seems silly when I can physically have a baby on my own. My friends that finally adopted after four years of trying and so many dissapointments are now pregnant and their babies will be only 8 months apart. I am so happy for them, but can't help feeling cheated because my baby was taken from me and they get to have two now. I know it is horrible and selfish but I can't help thinking it. I see people that have a lot of kids or pregnant women with young children always think why couldn't I have that, that should be me. It is especially hard to see two little brothers together and how Hayden has no siblings and wants a brother so badly. He sees kids riding by our window and always yells out "are they coming to my house to play?" and I have to tell him no and he just wants someone to play with. Even if I got pregnant right now they would be almost five years apart. I am not ready yet and the longer I wait the older Hayden gets. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could adopt a two year old but I am not sure I am up to going through the process of adoption let alone have the money to even try. I just keep letting time pass and it brings me along with it.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Harry Potter!

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I LOVED the new movie!! It captured the humor in the books sooooo much better than the previous movies. I went in expecting a dark and depressing movie and was pleasantly surprised at how funny it was. It has a very dark undertone which they balanced out so well with the humor. They did leave out a lot again, but I guess you can't avoid it or it would have gone from 2 hr 45 min to 5 hours. The last book is being split into two movies which is a good idea but they couldn't do that with all of them or there would be 14 movies!!!! I hope they keep the same people(director, producer, ect...) on the last ones because I enjoyed everything about this movie!!!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Time...........

Time just keep passing by. I can hardly believe it has been 3 months since my baby died. It doesn't seem right, like time should just stand still, but it can't. It is Tuesday July 14th and he died on Tuesday April 14th. Yesterday at 9:00am I just kept thinking how just three months ago I got a call that changed my world. "Your baby is not breathing, you have to come here now." I knew I had lost him as soon as I heard those words. I don't know how or why I knew, but I just knew. We are moving on with our lives, even though I feel like I shouldn't. I don't really have a choice though, I have to let Hayden have a normal life and that means I can't stay in bed all day and cry non stop or I worry it will affect him in a bad way. I do talk about Carter with him a lot and he likes to visit the cemetery with us. I just try to make it casual and answer whatever questions he has as best as I can. We went to a family reunion and a birthday party on Saturday. The reunion was hard because I haven't seen most of them since Carter died and some of them from out of state never even met Carter. The birthday party was hard because it was for a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I will never get to celebrate a birthday for Carter and he will never be one. I try to just act normal and not upset anybody, but it is getting harder as it continues to sink in that I can't just enjoy things anymore. I will always think of Carter whenever I do anything. He is always on my mind. I keep getting emails from Parenting Weekly about how old he should be and I can't bring myself to stop them because I want to know. I used to look forward to them every Tuesday, see what milestones to look forward to and what to expect from him. I try to picture what he would look like now or what he would be doing but I can't, all I see is my little 3 month old that looked like he was 6 months old. He was so big for his age. I miss him. I missed out on so much with him. He was supposed to complete my life not turn it upside down. I guess I will just have to let time continue to take me along for the ride, that is all I can do now, let it take over and hopefully start to heal my heart.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Song Lyrics

Sometimes a song can help describe how I feel, Stop and Stare by One Republic keeps coming on the radio and it seems to describe me right now.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see?

They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, Some never thought I could
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down

Monday, June 15, 2009

2 months.....

I couldn't wait for Carter to be 6 months old. It is kind of a marker for me for when they start interacting more and become a little mobile and it starts getting fun. It seemed like he would never get there and here I am at almost 6 months and he didn't make it. I remember when he was a couple weeks old I would just burst into tears because I thought he would get sick or hurt and that I would just wish he was already six months old and it was summer and out of the sick season. I now wish I would have had more fun with him and cherished the time we did have together. I missed writing yesterday which would really be 2 months from his death. I feel guilty that I almost forgot what day it was. I didn't think about it until I was going to bed, for some reason I thought yesterday was the 13th and today would be the 14th. I don't know what that means, maybe I don't think about him enough or maybe I just try not to think about how long it has been. Most of the time I just fantasize about what he would be doing if he were with me. I picture him sitting on my lap while I watch TV or playing in his excersaucer and making noises when I am reading. It always ends up being Hayden I compare it to because Carter never really got to do those things so I don't know what he would sound like. I try to pretend it is real but it never really works. I still can't accept that he is gone when there was nothing wrong with him. I still feel like I must have just made him up, but that doesn't make sense because I was pregnant and I held him and I loved him. He was mine and I was his but we can't be together and it is too hard to let my self believe that. I think it gets harder as time passes. It isn't as hard every day, but when I do have a rough day it is really hard to just go to work and act like everything is fine and pretend that I don't notice all the babies that come in or people going on with their lives as if nothing could ever go wrong when I know that at any moment their phone could ring and nothing would ever be the same again. I know that I am not the only one to have gone through a tragedy, but most of the time I feel so alone. I don't know if I will ever feel safe and secure. I don't know if I can let myself be happy when it can all be taken away. I WAS happy I HAD everything I wanted. Now I just don't dare to plan ahead when usually I have at least a couple years planned out. I am afraid to commit myself to something because who knows what might happen to change it all? All I can do now is whatever is best for Hayden. I just want him to feel safe and secure no matter how I am feeling.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Babies.....

I went to my Brother's twins baby blessing on Sunday and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. They changed AJ's name to Andrew Joshua Carter Hanks, which is nice because I don't think we will have any more children to name after him. I have found that other babies don't make me miss Baby Carter any more than I already do, he was so one of a kind that they just don't remind me of him other than that they are a baby. He was so big and so expressive, even at only 3 months old he had so many different "looks" that he would give for whatever reasons. I feel like he was trying so hard to comunicate with me all the time. I keep thinking holding a baby will be too hard and make me sad, but I have held two different babies now (AJ and my friend Toshi's baby) and it doesn't feel right, I guess it feels like it should, like it is someone else's baby and not my Carter. I felt like he was mine when I held him and like he knew just who I was and was so content to just let me hold him. I guess it is a good thing but my arms ache to get that feeling back and I know that I never will. It was even different than with Hayden, being my first it took almost a year for me to feel like he was mine and to just know that I am a Mom and will never not be again. With Carter I was a Mom from the beginning so it just felt normal and right to have a baby at home. I didn't have to change my life to fit him into it, I felt like he was always a part of it. Now I am just trying to adjust to not having him here. When I walked into the gym at the baby blessing I felt like I should be holding him and taking care of him, it felt like everyone looking at me would notice something was missing like if I had lost an arm or a leg. It feels like I have physically changed and that it is noticable to anyone who looks at me that my baby is missing. It is a really weird feeling and I wonder if it will ever go away. Will I feel disfigured still in 10 years or 20?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I LOVE YOU CARTER

I LOVED HIM BEFORE I MET HIM
I KNEW HE WAS MEANT FOR ME
I PROMISED TO LOVE HIM FOREVER
NOT KNOWING HOW HARD IT WOULD BE

I THOUGHT ALL MY DREAMS HAD COME TRUE
I HAD TWO PERFECT CHILDREN
I DID ALL I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO
I THOUGHT OUR LIVES WERE JUST BEGINNING

HE WAS SO SUDDENLY TAKEN
THIS CHILD I LOVED SO DEAR
I NEVER KNEW ABOUT HEARTACHE
UNTIL HE WAS NO LONGER HERE

I FEEL IT WASN'T FAIR TO ME
TO HAVE HAD HIM SUCH A SHORT TIME
HE TOUCHED MY LIFE SO ENORMOUSLEY
A MORE BEAUTIFUL CHILD YOU WON'T FIND

I HAD HEARD OF GRIEF AND ANGUISH
I THOUGHT I KNEW OF PAIN
ALL OTHER PAIN I COULD DEAL WITH
IF I COULD HAVE HIM BACK AGAIN

I HAD MY LIFE PLANNED OUT FOR ME
THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN
HE WAS A PART OF EVERY HOPE AND DREAM
HOW DOES LIFE GO ON WITHOUT HIM?

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Monday, June 1, 2009

NEW MOON!

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Saturday, May 30, 2009

would be.......

Carter would be 5 months old today. This year is going to be soooo hard because I just imagine what he would be doing every month. He would be starting to crawl or scoot and getting good at sitting up. I would be starting fruits this month. He would be sleeping better and we would have our routine established. I feel like I have been robbed of the life I should have. Hayden has been asking about him too. He wants to know why I put him in heaven and it makes me wonder what would have happened if I let him stay on the ventilator another day-week-month anything. I try to explain it to Hayden, but how do you explain something like SIDS? I don't understand it myself. He wasn't sick, didn't have an accident, so how do I tell my 3 year old that sometimes babies die for no reason at all. I used my massage gift card that the girls at work gave me at Carter's baby shower today. All I could think about was Carter and how he was the reason I was getting the massage and he's not even waiting for me at home. I want to be able to enjoy things, but then feel guilty about it so I end up not enjoying much. I feel so lost. I just want life to go on as usual and it does, but it feels so different now.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Going Camping.

We are going camping this weekend, it is sad because I was looking forward to Baby Carter's first trip. It will be hard, but Hayden is really excited to go and I don't want to disappoint him. We got the autopsy results and he was perfectly normal, so it is SIDS. I am having a hard time accepting that they just don't know what happened to him. My husbands friend put it a good way, they don't have a sudden adult death syndrome so why is it they don't know why so many babies die? It probably wouldn't help me if they had found some genetic problem that caused his death, but at least then it would be something, not nothing. We did everything right and he was a perfect, healthy, beautiful little boy and he still died. I do think about having another baby now, but I still can't see actually doing it. I was done having children, and I don't know if I can put my body through it again and I know I can't go through losing a child again. I am just so scared. This is not what I had planned, and I have to accept that my life will never be what I wanted it to be now and all of my hopes and dreams will never come true because Carter was a part of all of them the moment I got pregnant. I just have to live THIS life now and I don't know when it will feel like MY life again. I just have to keep going and believe that someday I will be able to hope and dream again.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

One month.

It has been a month since my Baby Carter died. It feels so long ago and like it was yesterday. I miss him so much and think about him all the time. I wonder if I will ever feel the same, but I think I look and act the same on the outside. I don't see myself though so I don't know. I can't believe that time has just gone on the same as always when it feels so different to me and yet everyday the sun comes up and every night it goes back down. Weeks don't feel the same to me, there are no weekdays and weekends just days that run together. I wonder if anyone really understands what I write or really pays attention, but it doesn't matter. I think it helps for me to get it out there for people to see because I usually keep my emotions to myself and try not to let others see me upset. It is really hard to act like nothing is wrong all the time, when I just don't even feel like I will ever be "ME" again. I guess I just have to find a new me somewhere in the middle. I want to ask people if they think I am different now, because I try so hard not to show how much I am hurting so others don't feel akward around me, but if I ask then I have to admit that I am not the same and I am still hurting SO much all the time. I don't cry as much, but I think you can only sob so much and then you just don't have the energy to do it anymore. I just cry a little and then go on with my day. Hayden sees me cry sometimes and tells me it's ok and I can grow another baby in my tummy for my birthday (he is so obsessed with birthdays right now and his isn't until September), but I don't know how to tell him I am too scared to try. It did happen to me and my Carter, and it can happen again and I just can't take that chance. I might go and see my friend whose baby was born the day Carter died. I haven't held a baby for a month now and I don't know if it will be too hard, but I can't avoid babies forever. I really want to feel a baby in my arms again, it won't ever be the same as my Carter, but I am hoping it might make me feel something again. I just feel numb a lot of the time. I know I will cry and hope I won't upset my friend too much. Well, I was only going to post a short comment on the one month mark, but like always I end up just rambling all my thoughts I can't seem to say out loud. Thanks for reading, and I hope I don't bring people down. Just know it helps me to let people know how I feel when I can't come out and say it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Work.

I can't decide if it is good to be back at work or if it is just too hard. Most of the day I am ok, but when I run out of things to do I start thinking how life is exactly the same as it was before, I only have one child to pick up at daycare and I don't have to worry about feeding Carter or getting him to sleep. It is as if my life is back to how it was before I got pregnant and it is so hard to act like that is ok. I am exhausted by the end of the day and I think it is from trying go about the day like I normally would. I miss my baby so much and it is physically draining. I feel bad when things work out for me because I should be thinking about how what I do or don't do will affect Carter and when I do something I wouldn't have done with a baby I feel so guilty. I just want him back and it is so frustrating that there is nothing I can do to get him back. I would quit my job and sell everything we own and move to a tiny apartment if I could only have my Baby Carter. It doesn't work like that. I wonder when I will be able to write about something happy again. Hayden has been coming running with me and he really enjoys it. We go to the High School track and the kids play in the middle while we run around. I feel like I need to get him out more so we don't all end up depressed and stuck inside all day. We are still going to go camping over Memorial because Hayden is looking forward to it so much. I am not sure how that will go. We chose somewhere nearby because of Carter and now he isn't going to be there. I was so excited for his first camping trip and now it is another first that we have to miss. He would be getting teeth pretty soon and even maybe starting to try to crawl. He was so young it breaks my heart to think of everything he didn't get to do or try. He never even got to go outside really because it was always too cold. Now it is so nice out and all I can think about is how much fun Carter would have watching Hayden play outside.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

He would be 4 Months

Carter would be 4 months old today. I had plans to start giving him rice cereal this weekend. I had so many things planned out around him that I don't really know what to do now. I am going to try to go back to work tommorow, but I don't know how that will go. This week has been the hardest because the shock and numbness is wearing off and now I just have to accept that I don't have a baby anymore. I watched some video we took of him and he was crying in the hospital one so now I can remember his cry. He was so perfect, I don't know what could have happened to him. I only have 11 minutes and 29 seconds left of my baby. I should have filmed him more, but I was waiting for him to do something more interesting. He never even rolled over all by himself. I did get Hayden singing you are my sunshine to him. Hayden was so excited to have a brother. Now he just keeps asking if we can check and make sure he is really dead. I don't know what to tell him other than what we already have, he died and can't come home again. I feel like I am frozen and everyone else can go on with life, but I am stuck in this nightmare and don't know how long I will be here. Probably forever. I don't think I will ever be "OK" again. I can act like I am ok, and I can do what normal people do, but my "normal" will never be the same. Why do they say you "lost" your baby? I didn't lose him, I have always known where he is and I still do. I didn't lose him, he died. I have tried to go back on my PW December babies site, but it tells me how old he WOULD be if he were alive so it is too hard. I find myself getting angry watching TV when John and Kate got 6 babies at one time and they are all ok, or the Duggers have like 18 children and they are all fine. Why couldn't I have two? Why did my baby die? I know it is stupid and I don't wish this on anyone ever, but I can't help asking why over and over again everyday. Why me, why Carter?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Hayden is my rock.

I don't know what I would do without Hayden. He makes me smile when I don't think it is possible. We visited Carter's grave yesterday and he still doesn't understand that he is never coming home and that we go to the grave to remember him. ( I don't want to tell him that his body is in the ground just yet, I think it will scare him) I was talking to Carter, telling him I miss him and love him and such, Hayden looked at me really funny and then looked at the flowers on the grave and then told me "I don't think flowers talk back mom". I had to laugh. He tells me not to be sad anymore and that Carter is ok. Without Hayden I really don't know if I could handle this. I know I will never forget Carter and never get over his death, but with Hayden's help I think I will be ok. He is my rock.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Carter's funeral

First here is a picture of Carter before we took him off life support. They had already taken a lot of the wires and IVs out.
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Our Aunt took some pictures at the funeral.
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This is Hayden and his cousin dressed up for his brother.
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Will I remember?

I am having a really hard time this week remembering my baby. We took Hayden to the Dr. and I heard a baby crying and I can't remember what Carter's cry sounds like. It is really upsetting me because when he was alive I could pick out his cry in a crowded room, but now I just don't remember and it has only been a little over a week. I still feel like he was a dream and can't seem to convince myself that it was real. I was pregnant for 9+ months and had him for 3 1/2 more and it seems like that year never happened and someone is playing a horrible joke on me saying that I had a beautiful angel and than he died. I don't know if I will ever feel normal again. I feel bad that I get to sleep in and don't have to feed him every four hours anymore, I feel like something is missing and I am forgetting something all the time. I feel like I am going crazy and don't know if I can go back to work, but I know I will go crazy if I stay home all day much longer. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my baby back in my arms. Babies don't die. They shouldn't. He was fine in the morning and then he just wasn't. I will never understand why this has happened to me and my angel.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My Baby is Gone?

It has been one week since Baby Carter died in my arms. I don't really know how to feel or what to do, life just keeps happening when it feels like it shouldn't. Sometimes I think I just dreamed him up and he was never really here, but there are all the pictures that prove his exhistance. I have always wondered what goes through people's minds when faced with a tragedy and now I can only say not much. Everything looks and seems the same, but it is so very different now. It is as if I am just going through the motions, not actually living them. I eat, I sleep, I cry but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I am actually sleeping or just laying there all night, but I am not really tired. I didn't know if I should even write in my blog anymore, I don't want to upset anybody or have anyone feel sorry for me. That is the hardest part. You can see it in their eyes if they "KNOW" and if they don't then I feel like they should because he was such a big part of MY life how could anyone not notice he is gone? I am trying to keep busy. We are planting a garden to remember him in, which seems silly sometimes but it is something to do. I feel guilty buying anything or eating out because I should be home mourning my loss. I don't know how to do this, how to grieve. I have never felt such powerful emotions and yet I feel they should be more powerful and all consuming. I get up because I am supposed to and with Hayden's help I try to keep life as normal as possible, but it is not normal, someone is missing. I don't know how I am going to go back to work. I guess it will be just like it is now, the same, only different. Life does go on after losing a baby, even if it feels like it shouldn't.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What Next???

Not even a month after his toe incident Baby Carter is back at the hospital!! I took him to Kid Care on Wednesday night because he was wheezy and breathing kind of hard. They looked at him and gave him albutoral (spelling?) and he wasn't getting enough oxygen so they sent a fire truck to take him to Primary Children's!! It was very surreal and feels like a dream, but he is finally getting better and after 6 days we are now home!! I am afraid to be here without all the monitors but it is good to be home. Now I just hope he can finish getting better and we can go on with our lives! He is my little trooper!! He was so good the whole time we were there!

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Sunday, March 8, 2009

My poor baby!

Carter was crying and crying one night, and since he is usually an angel child we couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. I just assumed he must be having tummy trouble and tried to calm him as best as I could. I was changing his clothes when I noticed his toe was red, looking closer it looked like it was about to pop off!! I rushed him to the ER and he had a hair wrapped around two toes and one was cut almost to the bone!!! They got the hair off and gave him an antiobotic shot and after about 4 hours sent us home. We had to come back the next day to follow up, and they prescribed an oral antibiotic and I was to go to the pediatrician the next day to have him look at it! He is alright but it was quite a shock! Apparently it is pretty common in the winter with very young infants! They can't tell you what hurts and you don't bathe them as often and keep them in socks or footie pajamas all day and night! I feel really bad, but he is back to his usual calm self again!!!
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Sunday, February 22, 2009

CUTIE PIE!

Carter is getting so big and cuter every day!!
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Saturday, February 14, 2009

Hayden!

We decided to try and let Hayden do things for himself to make him feel like a "Big Boy" and so he has been putting his dishes in the sink and getting his own snacks and helping me feed Carter. He also has been dressing himself in the morning, he usually does pretty good but every once in a while he comes down in crazy outfits like this one!
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He seems so big to me now that he can do a lot for himself, now if only he would potty train!!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Smile!

Baby Carter is smiling now!! He is getting so big! He is as big as Hayden was at almost 3 months! He might luck out and actually be tall!

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

2 weeks old!

We went to Baby Carters 2 week appointment and he is doing well, he gained 1 pound from his birth weight which is almost 2 pounds from when we left the hospital!! He had to have the heel prick for the PKU and he screamed the whole time. :( He seems a little bigger and kind of interacts, but is still mostly just an eating, sleeping, pooping machine!! Here is a new picture!!
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Friday, January 2, 2009

Finally here!!

My water broke on my way to my doctor appointment to see if he had turned and if I would be able to be induced or have a c section on Tuesday 12/30/08. So we headed to Labor and Delivery instead and told them he was breech and they rushed us in to get an ultrasound and he had turned!!! Lucky my water broke because they were too busy and would not have been able to induce me until January!! I wasn't having any contractions so they hooked me up to pitocin and they started right away. I got an epidural early because there were 3 c sections going on and he might not have been able to get to me later, I am glad I did because I progressed really fast and the contractions were one on top of another and all I felt was the pressure!!! I started feeling a TON of pressure and the nurse and doctor were busy with 4 deliveries and 3 c sections!! The doctor missed the delivery next door and the nurse had to do it all!!! He made it to me and it was time to push but now the baby was posterior and had to be turned so his head was up instead of in my tail bone. They tried the vacuum but it didn't work so they pulled out the forceps. I almost fainted, I had no idea they were so huge and my epidural had worn off and it was too late to get more!!! It hurt like crazy and I almost gave up, but it was still only about 1/2 hour total that I felt the pain. He was born 12/30/08 at 4:53 and weighed 7 lb 14 oz and was 21 inches long. That is almost 2 lbs and 2 inches bigger than Hayden!! It was all worth it and he is a very mellow baby, as long as you hold him!!!! He didn't sleep alone at all last night, but if I laid by him he slept pretty well!! I will have to figure something out!! We are all excited and Hayden loves his new brother!!PhotobucketPhotobucket
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