Thursday, April 30, 2009

He would be 4 Months

Carter would be 4 months old today. I had plans to start giving him rice cereal this weekend. I had so many things planned out around him that I don't really know what to do now. I am going to try to go back to work tommorow, but I don't know how that will go. This week has been the hardest because the shock and numbness is wearing off and now I just have to accept that I don't have a baby anymore. I watched some video we took of him and he was crying in the hospital one so now I can remember his cry. He was so perfect, I don't know what could have happened to him. I only have 11 minutes and 29 seconds left of my baby. I should have filmed him more, but I was waiting for him to do something more interesting. He never even rolled over all by himself. I did get Hayden singing you are my sunshine to him. Hayden was so excited to have a brother. Now he just keeps asking if we can check and make sure he is really dead. I don't know what to tell him other than what we already have, he died and can't come home again. I feel like I am frozen and everyone else can go on with life, but I am stuck in this nightmare and don't know how long I will be here. Probably forever. I don't think I will ever be "OK" again. I can act like I am ok, and I can do what normal people do, but my "normal" will never be the same. Why do they say you "lost" your baby? I didn't lose him, I have always known where he is and I still do. I didn't lose him, he died. I have tried to go back on my PW December babies site, but it tells me how old he WOULD be if he were alive so it is too hard. I find myself getting angry watching TV when John and Kate got 6 babies at one time and they are all ok, or the Duggers have like 18 children and they are all fine. Why couldn't I have two? Why did my baby die? I know it is stupid and I don't wish this on anyone ever, but I can't help asking why over and over again everyday. Why me, why Carter?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Hayden is my rock.

I don't know what I would do without Hayden. He makes me smile when I don't think it is possible. We visited Carter's grave yesterday and he still doesn't understand that he is never coming home and that we go to the grave to remember him. ( I don't want to tell him that his body is in the ground just yet, I think it will scare him) I was talking to Carter, telling him I miss him and love him and such, Hayden looked at me really funny and then looked at the flowers on the grave and then told me "I don't think flowers talk back mom". I had to laugh. He tells me not to be sad anymore and that Carter is ok. Without Hayden I really don't know if I could handle this. I know I will never forget Carter and never get over his death, but with Hayden's help I think I will be ok. He is my rock.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Carter's funeral

First here is a picture of Carter before we took him off life support. They had already taken a lot of the wires and IVs out.
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Our Aunt took some pictures at the funeral.
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This is Hayden and his cousin dressed up for his brother.
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Will I remember?

I am having a really hard time this week remembering my baby. We took Hayden to the Dr. and I heard a baby crying and I can't remember what Carter's cry sounds like. It is really upsetting me because when he was alive I could pick out his cry in a crowded room, but now I just don't remember and it has only been a little over a week. I still feel like he was a dream and can't seem to convince myself that it was real. I was pregnant for 9+ months and had him for 3 1/2 more and it seems like that year never happened and someone is playing a horrible joke on me saying that I had a beautiful angel and than he died. I don't know if I will ever feel normal again. I feel bad that I get to sleep in and don't have to feed him every four hours anymore, I feel like something is missing and I am forgetting something all the time. I feel like I am going crazy and don't know if I can go back to work, but I know I will go crazy if I stay home all day much longer. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my baby back in my arms. Babies don't die. They shouldn't. He was fine in the morning and then he just wasn't. I will never understand why this has happened to me and my angel.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My Baby is Gone?

It has been one week since Baby Carter died in my arms. I don't really know how to feel or what to do, life just keeps happening when it feels like it shouldn't. Sometimes I think I just dreamed him up and he was never really here, but there are all the pictures that prove his exhistance. I have always wondered what goes through people's minds when faced with a tragedy and now I can only say not much. Everything looks and seems the same, but it is so very different now. It is as if I am just going through the motions, not actually living them. I eat, I sleep, I cry but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I am actually sleeping or just laying there all night, but I am not really tired. I didn't know if I should even write in my blog anymore, I don't want to upset anybody or have anyone feel sorry for me. That is the hardest part. You can see it in their eyes if they "KNOW" and if they don't then I feel like they should because he was such a big part of MY life how could anyone not notice he is gone? I am trying to keep busy. We are planting a garden to remember him in, which seems silly sometimes but it is something to do. I feel guilty buying anything or eating out because I should be home mourning my loss. I don't know how to do this, how to grieve. I have never felt such powerful emotions and yet I feel they should be more powerful and all consuming. I get up because I am supposed to and with Hayden's help I try to keep life as normal as possible, but it is not normal, someone is missing. I don't know how I am going to go back to work. I guess it will be just like it is now, the same, only different. Life does go on after losing a baby, even if it feels like it shouldn't.

Thursday, April 16, 2009