Thursday, April 30, 2009

He would be 4 Months

Carter would be 4 months old today. I had plans to start giving him rice cereal this weekend. I had so many things planned out around him that I don't really know what to do now. I am going to try to go back to work tommorow, but I don't know how that will go. This week has been the hardest because the shock and numbness is wearing off and now I just have to accept that I don't have a baby anymore. I watched some video we took of him and he was crying in the hospital one so now I can remember his cry. He was so perfect, I don't know what could have happened to him. I only have 11 minutes and 29 seconds left of my baby. I should have filmed him more, but I was waiting for him to do something more interesting. He never even rolled over all by himself. I did get Hayden singing you are my sunshine to him. Hayden was so excited to have a brother. Now he just keeps asking if we can check and make sure he is really dead. I don't know what to tell him other than what we already have, he died and can't come home again. I feel like I am frozen and everyone else can go on with life, but I am stuck in this nightmare and don't know how long I will be here. Probably forever. I don't think I will ever be "OK" again. I can act like I am ok, and I can do what normal people do, but my "normal" will never be the same. Why do they say you "lost" your baby? I didn't lose him, I have always known where he is and I still do. I didn't lose him, he died. I have tried to go back on my PW December babies site, but it tells me how old he WOULD be if he were alive so it is too hard. I find myself getting angry watching TV when John and Kate got 6 babies at one time and they are all ok, or the Duggers have like 18 children and they are all fine. Why couldn't I have two? Why did my baby die? I know it is stupid and I don't wish this on anyone ever, but I can't help asking why over and over again everyday. Why me, why Carter?

4 comments:

  1. It's not stupid Sarah.. (((((HUGS))))) I am almost in tears at work, just reading your posts. Happy 4 month Birthday, Carter... :(

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  2. We will never forget him. I find myself asking why too. Why do I have 2 and she can't even have her one anymore. You are such a good mom. It is not fair and I think you should be angry. Let it out! I am glad you are blogging and if you ever want to talk, call me. Even if you want to be angry with me. How ever I can help.

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  3. Amber is right! It is not stupid, I know if it was my child I would ask that! And even though Carter isn't mine, I still feel and ask that. I can't understand why this would have happened and it's just terrible and not fair. I pray every day that you find peace and comfort in this. I don't know how you do it! Don't rush back into PW, we will all still be there ready to help when you do decide to come back! We miss you, and Carter. I know everyone still feels the loss...The entire PW community still talks about Carter! He touched sooo many lives, and you continue to inspire everyone. Happy 4 month B-day Carter- We all miss you!
    -Becky from PW

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  4. i'm sorry sarah.. carter was a good boy and we will all miss him!! i love you!!!

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