Thursday, April 30, 2009
He would be 4 Months
Carter would be 4 months old today. I had plans to start giving him rice cereal this weekend. I had so many things planned out around him that I don't really know what to do now. I am going to try to go back to work tommorow, but I don't know how that will go. This week has been the hardest because the shock and numbness is wearing off and now I just have to accept that I don't have a baby anymore. I watched some video we took of him and he was crying in the hospital one so now I can remember his cry. He was so perfect, I don't know what could have happened to him. I only have 11 minutes and 29 seconds left of my baby. I should have filmed him more, but I was waiting for him to do something more interesting. He never even rolled over all by himself. I did get Hayden singing you are my sunshine to him. Hayden was so excited to have a brother. Now he just keeps asking if we can check and make sure he is really dead. I don't know what to tell him other than what we already have, he died and can't come home again. I feel like I am frozen and everyone else can go on with life, but I am stuck in this nightmare and don't know how long I will be here. Probably forever. I don't think I will ever be "OK" again. I can act like I am ok, and I can do what normal people do, but my "normal" will never be the same. Why do they say you "lost" your baby? I didn't lose him, I have always known where he is and I still do. I didn't lose him, he died. I have tried to go back on my PW December babies site, but it tells me how old he WOULD be if he were alive so it is too hard. I find myself getting angry watching TV when John and Kate got 6 babies at one time and they are all ok, or the Duggers have like 18 children and they are all fine. Why couldn't I have two? Why did my baby die? I know it is stupid and I don't wish this on anyone ever, but I can't help asking why over and over again everyday. Why me, why Carter?