Tuesday, April 21, 2009
My Baby is Gone?
It has been one week since Baby Carter died in my arms. I don't really know how to feel or what to do, life just keeps happening when it feels like it shouldn't. Sometimes I think I just dreamed him up and he was never really here, but there are all the pictures that prove his exhistance. I have always wondered what goes through people's minds when faced with a tragedy and now I can only say not much. Everything looks and seems the same, but it is so very different now. It is as if I am just going through the motions, not actually living them. I eat, I sleep, I cry but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I am actually sleeping or just laying there all night, but I am not really tired. I didn't know if I should even write in my blog anymore, I don't want to upset anybody or have anyone feel sorry for me. That is the hardest part. You can see it in their eyes if they "KNOW" and if they don't then I feel like they should because he was such a big part of MY life how could anyone not notice he is gone? I am trying to keep busy. We are planting a garden to remember him in, which seems silly sometimes but it is something to do. I feel guilty buying anything or eating out because I should be home mourning my loss. I don't know how to do this, how to grieve. I have never felt such powerful emotions and yet I feel they should be more powerful and all consuming. I get up because I am supposed to and with Hayden's help I try to keep life as normal as possible, but it is not normal, someone is missing. I don't know how I am going to go back to work. I guess it will be just like it is now, the same, only different. Life does go on after losing a baby, even if it feels like it shouldn't.