Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My Baby is Gone?

It has been one week since Baby Carter died in my arms. I don't really know how to feel or what to do, life just keeps happening when it feels like it shouldn't. Sometimes I think I just dreamed him up and he was never really here, but there are all the pictures that prove his exhistance. I have always wondered what goes through people's minds when faced with a tragedy and now I can only say not much. Everything looks and seems the same, but it is so very different now. It is as if I am just going through the motions, not actually living them. I eat, I sleep, I cry but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I am actually sleeping or just laying there all night, but I am not really tired. I didn't know if I should even write in my blog anymore, I don't want to upset anybody or have anyone feel sorry for me. That is the hardest part. You can see it in their eyes if they "KNOW" and if they don't then I feel like they should because he was such a big part of MY life how could anyone not notice he is gone? I am trying to keep busy. We are planting a garden to remember him in, which seems silly sometimes but it is something to do. I feel guilty buying anything or eating out because I should be home mourning my loss. I don't know how to do this, how to grieve. I have never felt such powerful emotions and yet I feel they should be more powerful and all consuming. I get up because I am supposed to and with Hayden's help I try to keep life as normal as possible, but it is not normal, someone is missing. I don't know how I am going to go back to work. I guess it will be just like it is now, the same, only different. Life does go on after losing a baby, even if it feels like it shouldn't.

6 comments:

  1. Sarah
    I can't pretend to know what you are going through right now, and I wish with all my heart that I could take the pain away for you. I think the garden is a beautiful idea and I guarantee he will always be remembered. He's always a part of our lives, and his great grandparents are enjoying their time with him right now. You will get to see him again.

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  2. Sarah-
    I believe you are doing a great job at getting through this in the most positive way possible. I think keeping your blog would be a good thing to help you talk things through as well as look back and see how far you've come. I couldn't imagine how you feel...I'm not sure I would have made it as far as you have. Pour your life into Hayden, he will keep you strong.
    Becky from PW

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  3. Sarah,

    Dont stop your blog. We care about how you are doing. If you want to cry to someone, cry to us. Life is not fair, and I sometimes feel bad that I am continuing with the day to day stuff when you are at home, missing your angel. The garden is a beautiful idea.

    P.S. The girls and I have something to send you. Can you contact me? amberrr64@yahoo.com

    Amber (amberrr64 from PW)

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  4. reading your blog is so heartbreaking. i dont know how anyone gets through a loss like yours, except that there is no other choice. i know if anyone could make you feel better they certainly would. i think your blog is a great idea, to be able to let it all out and get things off your chest. and also the garden is a wonderful way to remember him. i am again, so very sorry that you lose your angel. life seems so unfair at times! im praying for you all the time!

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  5. Sarah. I think you are very brave and very strong. You are in our hearts and I want you to know that Carter has touched many lives, and his story has changed the way I personally see the world, and my life. Though he was only here for a short time, he left a legacy that is amazing and far reaching. I hope you keep the blog. I think about you every day.

    Erin Inglis (PW)

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