Saturday, April 25, 2009
Will I remember?
I am having a really hard time this week remembering my baby. We took Hayden to the Dr. and I heard a baby crying and I can't remember what Carter's cry sounds like. It is really upsetting me because when he was alive I could pick out his cry in a crowded room, but now I just don't remember and it has only been a little over a week. I still feel like he was a dream and can't seem to convince myself that it was real. I was pregnant for 9+ months and had him for 3 1/2 more and it seems like that year never happened and someone is playing a horrible joke on me saying that I had a beautiful angel and than he died. I don't know if I will ever feel normal again. I feel bad that I get to sleep in and don't have to feed him every four hours anymore, I feel like something is missing and I am forgetting something all the time. I feel like I am going crazy and don't know if I can go back to work, but I know I will go crazy if I stay home all day much longer. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my baby back in my arms. Babies don't die. They shouldn't. He was fine in the morning and then he just wasn't. I will never understand why this has happened to me and my angel.