Saturday, May 30, 2009

would be.......

Carter would be 5 months old today. This year is going to be soooo hard because I just imagine what he would be doing every month. He would be starting to crawl or scoot and getting good at sitting up. I would be starting fruits this month. He would be sleeping better and we would have our routine established. I feel like I have been robbed of the life I should have. Hayden has been asking about him too. He wants to know why I put him in heaven and it makes me wonder what would have happened if I let him stay on the ventilator another day-week-month anything. I try to explain it to Hayden, but how do you explain something like SIDS? I don't understand it myself. He wasn't sick, didn't have an accident, so how do I tell my 3 year old that sometimes babies die for no reason at all. I used my massage gift card that the girls at work gave me at Carter's baby shower today. All I could think about was Carter and how he was the reason I was getting the massage and he's not even waiting for me at home. I want to be able to enjoy things, but then feel guilty about it so I end up not enjoying much. I feel so lost. I just want life to go on as usual and it does, but it feels so different now.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Going Camping.

We are going camping this weekend, it is sad because I was looking forward to Baby Carter's first trip. It will be hard, but Hayden is really excited to go and I don't want to disappoint him. We got the autopsy results and he was perfectly normal, so it is SIDS. I am having a hard time accepting that they just don't know what happened to him. My husbands friend put it a good way, they don't have a sudden adult death syndrome so why is it they don't know why so many babies die? It probably wouldn't help me if they had found some genetic problem that caused his death, but at least then it would be something, not nothing. We did everything right and he was a perfect, healthy, beautiful little boy and he still died. I do think about having another baby now, but I still can't see actually doing it. I was done having children, and I don't know if I can put my body through it again and I know I can't go through losing a child again. I am just so scared. This is not what I had planned, and I have to accept that my life will never be what I wanted it to be now and all of my hopes and dreams will never come true because Carter was a part of all of them the moment I got pregnant. I just have to live THIS life now and I don't know when it will feel like MY life again. I just have to keep going and believe that someday I will be able to hope and dream again.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

One month.

It has been a month since my Baby Carter died. It feels so long ago and like it was yesterday. I miss him so much and think about him all the time. I wonder if I will ever feel the same, but I think I look and act the same on the outside. I don't see myself though so I don't know. I can't believe that time has just gone on the same as always when it feels so different to me and yet everyday the sun comes up and every night it goes back down. Weeks don't feel the same to me, there are no weekdays and weekends just days that run together. I wonder if anyone really understands what I write or really pays attention, but it doesn't matter. I think it helps for me to get it out there for people to see because I usually keep my emotions to myself and try not to let others see me upset. It is really hard to act like nothing is wrong all the time, when I just don't even feel like I will ever be "ME" again. I guess I just have to find a new me somewhere in the middle. I want to ask people if they think I am different now, because I try so hard not to show how much I am hurting so others don't feel akward around me, but if I ask then I have to admit that I am not the same and I am still hurting SO much all the time. I don't cry as much, but I think you can only sob so much and then you just don't have the energy to do it anymore. I just cry a little and then go on with my day. Hayden sees me cry sometimes and tells me it's ok and I can grow another baby in my tummy for my birthday (he is so obsessed with birthdays right now and his isn't until September), but I don't know how to tell him I am too scared to try. It did happen to me and my Carter, and it can happen again and I just can't take that chance. I might go and see my friend whose baby was born the day Carter died. I haven't held a baby for a month now and I don't know if it will be too hard, but I can't avoid babies forever. I really want to feel a baby in my arms again, it won't ever be the same as my Carter, but I am hoping it might make me feel something again. I just feel numb a lot of the time. I know I will cry and hope I won't upset my friend too much. Well, I was only going to post a short comment on the one month mark, but like always I end up just rambling all my thoughts I can't seem to say out loud. Thanks for reading, and I hope I don't bring people down. Just know it helps me to let people know how I feel when I can't come out and say it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Work.

I can't decide if it is good to be back at work or if it is just too hard. Most of the day I am ok, but when I run out of things to do I start thinking how life is exactly the same as it was before, I only have one child to pick up at daycare and I don't have to worry about feeding Carter or getting him to sleep. It is as if my life is back to how it was before I got pregnant and it is so hard to act like that is ok. I am exhausted by the end of the day and I think it is from trying go about the day like I normally would. I miss my baby so much and it is physically draining. I feel bad when things work out for me because I should be thinking about how what I do or don't do will affect Carter and when I do something I wouldn't have done with a baby I feel so guilty. I just want him back and it is so frustrating that there is nothing I can do to get him back. I would quit my job and sell everything we own and move to a tiny apartment if I could only have my Baby Carter. It doesn't work like that. I wonder when I will be able to write about something happy again. Hayden has been coming running with me and he really enjoys it. We go to the High School track and the kids play in the middle while we run around. I feel like I need to get him out more so we don't all end up depressed and stuck inside all day. We are still going to go camping over Memorial because Hayden is looking forward to it so much. I am not sure how that will go. We chose somewhere nearby because of Carter and now he isn't going to be there. I was so excited for his first camping trip and now it is another first that we have to miss. He would be getting teeth pretty soon and even maybe starting to try to crawl. He was so young it breaks my heart to think of everything he didn't get to do or try. He never even got to go outside really because it was always too cold. Now it is so nice out and all I can think about is how much fun Carter would have watching Hayden play outside.