Friday, May 22, 2009
We are going camping this weekend, it is sad because I was looking forward to Baby Carter's first trip. It will be hard, but Hayden is really excited to go and I don't want to disappoint him. We got the autopsy results and he was perfectly normal, so it is SIDS. I am having a hard time accepting that they just don't know what happened to him. My husbands friend put it a good way, they don't have a sudden adult death syndrome so why is it they don't know why so many babies die? It probably wouldn't help me if they had found some genetic problem that caused his death, but at least then it would be something, not nothing. We did everything right and he was a perfect, healthy, beautiful little boy and he still died. I do think about having another baby now, but I still can't see actually doing it. I was done having children, and I don't know if I can put my body through it again and I know I can't go through losing a child again. I am just so scared. This is not what I had planned, and I have to accept that my life will never be what I wanted it to be now and all of my hopes and dreams will never come true because Carter was a part of all of them the moment I got pregnant. I just have to live THIS life now and I don't know when it will feel like MY life again. I just have to keep going and believe that someday I will be able to hope and dream again.