Thursday, May 14, 2009
It has been a month since my Baby Carter died. It feels so long ago and like it was yesterday. I miss him so much and think about him all the time. I wonder if I will ever feel the same, but I think I look and act the same on the outside. I don't see myself though so I don't know. I can't believe that time has just gone on the same as always when it feels so different to me and yet everyday the sun comes up and every night it goes back down. Weeks don't feel the same to me, there are no weekdays and weekends just days that run together. I wonder if anyone really understands what I write or really pays attention, but it doesn't matter. I think it helps for me to get it out there for people to see because I usually keep my emotions to myself and try not to let others see me upset. It is really hard to act like nothing is wrong all the time, when I just don't even feel like I will ever be "ME" again. I guess I just have to find a new me somewhere in the middle. I want to ask people if they think I am different now, because I try so hard not to show how much I am hurting so others don't feel akward around me, but if I ask then I have to admit that I am not the same and I am still hurting SO much all the time. I don't cry as much, but I think you can only sob so much and then you just don't have the energy to do it anymore. I just cry a little and then go on with my day. Hayden sees me cry sometimes and tells me it's ok and I can grow another baby in my tummy for my birthday (he is so obsessed with birthdays right now and his isn't until September), but I don't know how to tell him I am too scared to try. It did happen to me and my Carter, and it can happen again and I just can't take that chance. I might go and see my friend whose baby was born the day Carter died. I haven't held a baby for a month now and I don't know if it will be too hard, but I can't avoid babies forever. I really want to feel a baby in my arms again, it won't ever be the same as my Carter, but I am hoping it might make me feel something again. I just feel numb a lot of the time. I know I will cry and hope I won't upset my friend too much. Well, I was only going to post a short comment on the one month mark, but like always I end up just rambling all my thoughts I can't seem to say out loud. Thanks for reading, and I hope I don't bring people down. Just know it helps me to let people know how I feel when I can't come out and say it.