Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I can't decide if it is good to be back at work or if it is just too hard. Most of the day I am ok, but when I run out of things to do I start thinking how life is exactly the same as it was before, I only have one child to pick up at daycare and I don't have to worry about feeding Carter or getting him to sleep. It is as if my life is back to how it was before I got pregnant and it is so hard to act like that is ok. I am exhausted by the end of the day and I think it is from trying go about the day like I normally would. I miss my baby so much and it is physically draining. I feel bad when things work out for me because I should be thinking about how what I do or don't do will affect Carter and when I do something I wouldn't have done with a baby I feel so guilty. I just want him back and it is so frustrating that there is nothing I can do to get him back. I would quit my job and sell everything we own and move to a tiny apartment if I could only have my Baby Carter. It doesn't work like that. I wonder when I will be able to write about something happy again. Hayden has been coming running with me and he really enjoys it. We go to the High School track and the kids play in the middle while we run around. I feel like I need to get him out more so we don't all end up depressed and stuck inside all day. We are still going to go camping over Memorial because Hayden is looking forward to it so much. I am not sure how that will go. We chose somewhere nearby because of Carter and now he isn't going to be there. I was so excited for his first camping trip and now it is another first that we have to miss. He would be getting teeth pretty soon and even maybe starting to try to crawl. He was so young it breaks my heart to think of everything he didn't get to do or try. He never even got to go outside really because it was always too cold. Now it is so nice out and all I can think about is how much fun Carter would have watching Hayden play outside.