Saturday, May 30, 2009

would be.......

Carter would be 5 months old today. This year is going to be soooo hard because I just imagine what he would be doing every month. He would be starting to crawl or scoot and getting good at sitting up. I would be starting fruits this month. He would be sleeping better and we would have our routine established. I feel like I have been robbed of the life I should have. Hayden has been asking about him too. He wants to know why I put him in heaven and it makes me wonder what would have happened if I let him stay on the ventilator another day-week-month anything. I try to explain it to Hayden, but how do you explain something like SIDS? I don't understand it myself. He wasn't sick, didn't have an accident, so how do I tell my 3 year old that sometimes babies die for no reason at all. I used my massage gift card that the girls at work gave me at Carter's baby shower today. All I could think about was Carter and how he was the reason I was getting the massage and he's not even waiting for me at home. I want to be able to enjoy things, but then feel guilty about it so I end up not enjoying much. I feel so lost. I just want life to go on as usual and it does, but it feels so different now.

3 comments:

  1. Remember how hard it was to sell our beagle puppies because we had so much fun watching them grow? But we enjoyed those puppies so much, it would have been a shame not to have let Grizzy have them because we knew we couldn't keep them. The sadness was worth the joy we got from them. I know losing Carter is not the same, but at least you got the joy of knowing him for a little while now and forever later on. If you look at it from an eternal perspective, you provided his spirit with a body, something he couldn't do for himself and something he'll be eternally grateful for. I love you, Sarah, and I wish I knew how to comfort you. Turn to Christ, pray and ask for His comfort. That's what the atonement is all about. He knows your pain and wants to help.

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  2. I just realized who you are! I don't even know what to say! You work with my uncle Mark and I knew about your baby when it happened. My heart and my prayers go out to you - then, now, and always. Only time will mend your broken heart, but may never heal completely. I don't understand SIDS, nor do I understand so many injustices in this world. May God comfort you each and every day! When I visited your photography blog and left the comment about your photo of your precious baby, I did NOT know that it was the same baby. I do not apologize though, because I know that he WAS and IS precious. From the comment above, it sounds like your family is blessed with faith. I know it's being tested right now, but trust, it will get you through. God bless you and your family.

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  3. Hey Sarah,

    Mark pulled up your blog tonight and I read it for the first time. We just want you to know again that we are always here for you guys. I know that we dont get together alot but you can always count on us for anything. Please keep hanging in there. Don't ever feel that no one wants to hear what you have to say. You keep writing and you keep doing everything you are doing. You have so many people who care about you and want to know how you are every day even though you are crushed inside. I hope the pain you feel gets a little better as time goes on. I know that it will never go away completely. You are such a wonderful mother to both Hayden and your precious baby Carter. God Bless you. Love Mark and Rita

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