Monday, June 15, 2009

2 months.....

I couldn't wait for Carter to be 6 months old. It is kind of a marker for me for when they start interacting more and become a little mobile and it starts getting fun. It seemed like he would never get there and here I am at almost 6 months and he didn't make it. I remember when he was a couple weeks old I would just burst into tears because I thought he would get sick or hurt and that I would just wish he was already six months old and it was summer and out of the sick season. I now wish I would have had more fun with him and cherished the time we did have together. I missed writing yesterday which would really be 2 months from his death. I feel guilty that I almost forgot what day it was. I didn't think about it until I was going to bed, for some reason I thought yesterday was the 13th and today would be the 14th. I don't know what that means, maybe I don't think about him enough or maybe I just try not to think about how long it has been. Most of the time I just fantasize about what he would be doing if he were with me. I picture him sitting on my lap while I watch TV or playing in his excersaucer and making noises when I am reading. It always ends up being Hayden I compare it to because Carter never really got to do those things so I don't know what he would sound like. I try to pretend it is real but it never really works. I still can't accept that he is gone when there was nothing wrong with him. I still feel like I must have just made him up, but that doesn't make sense because I was pregnant and I held him and I loved him. He was mine and I was his but we can't be together and it is too hard to let my self believe that. I think it gets harder as time passes. It isn't as hard every day, but when I do have a rough day it is really hard to just go to work and act like everything is fine and pretend that I don't notice all the babies that come in or people going on with their lives as if nothing could ever go wrong when I know that at any moment their phone could ring and nothing would ever be the same again. I know that I am not the only one to have gone through a tragedy, but most of the time I feel so alone. I don't know if I will ever feel safe and secure. I don't know if I can let myself be happy when it can all be taken away. I WAS happy I HAD everything I wanted. Now I just don't dare to plan ahead when usually I have at least a couple years planned out. I am afraid to commit myself to something because who knows what might happen to change it all? All I can do now is whatever is best for Hayden. I just want him to feel safe and secure no matter how I am feeling.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Babies.....

I went to my Brother's twins baby blessing on Sunday and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. They changed AJ's name to Andrew Joshua Carter Hanks, which is nice because I don't think we will have any more children to name after him. I have found that other babies don't make me miss Baby Carter any more than I already do, he was so one of a kind that they just don't remind me of him other than that they are a baby. He was so big and so expressive, even at only 3 months old he had so many different "looks" that he would give for whatever reasons. I feel like he was trying so hard to comunicate with me all the time. I keep thinking holding a baby will be too hard and make me sad, but I have held two different babies now (AJ and my friend Toshi's baby) and it doesn't feel right, I guess it feels like it should, like it is someone else's baby and not my Carter. I felt like he was mine when I held him and like he knew just who I was and was so content to just let me hold him. I guess it is a good thing but my arms ache to get that feeling back and I know that I never will. It was even different than with Hayden, being my first it took almost a year for me to feel like he was mine and to just know that I am a Mom and will never not be again. With Carter I was a Mom from the beginning so it just felt normal and right to have a baby at home. I didn't have to change my life to fit him into it, I felt like he was always a part of it. Now I am just trying to adjust to not having him here. When I walked into the gym at the baby blessing I felt like I should be holding him and taking care of him, it felt like everyone looking at me would notice something was missing like if I had lost an arm or a leg. It feels like I have physically changed and that it is noticable to anyone who looks at me that my baby is missing. It is a really weird feeling and I wonder if it will ever go away. Will I feel disfigured still in 10 years or 20?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I LOVE YOU CARTER

I LOVED HIM BEFORE I MET HIM
I KNEW HE WAS MEANT FOR ME
I PROMISED TO LOVE HIM FOREVER
NOT KNOWING HOW HARD IT WOULD BE

I THOUGHT ALL MY DREAMS HAD COME TRUE
I HAD TWO PERFECT CHILDREN
I DID ALL I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO
I THOUGHT OUR LIVES WERE JUST BEGINNING

HE WAS SO SUDDENLY TAKEN
THIS CHILD I LOVED SO DEAR
I NEVER KNEW ABOUT HEARTACHE
UNTIL HE WAS NO LONGER HERE

I FEEL IT WASN'T FAIR TO ME
TO HAVE HAD HIM SUCH A SHORT TIME
HE TOUCHED MY LIFE SO ENORMOUSLEY
A MORE BEAUTIFUL CHILD YOU WON'T FIND

I HAD HEARD OF GRIEF AND ANGUISH
I THOUGHT I KNEW OF PAIN
ALL OTHER PAIN I COULD DEAL WITH
IF I COULD HAVE HIM BACK AGAIN

I HAD MY LIFE PLANNED OUT FOR ME
THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN
HE WAS A PART OF EVERY HOPE AND DREAM
HOW DOES LIFE GO ON WITHOUT HIM?

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Monday, June 1, 2009

NEW MOON!

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