Monday, June 15, 2009

2 months.....

I couldn't wait for Carter to be 6 months old. It is kind of a marker for me for when they start interacting more and become a little mobile and it starts getting fun. It seemed like he would never get there and here I am at almost 6 months and he didn't make it. I remember when he was a couple weeks old I would just burst into tears because I thought he would get sick or hurt and that I would just wish he was already six months old and it was summer and out of the sick season. I now wish I would have had more fun with him and cherished the time we did have together. I missed writing yesterday which would really be 2 months from his death. I feel guilty that I almost forgot what day it was. I didn't think about it until I was going to bed, for some reason I thought yesterday was the 13th and today would be the 14th. I don't know what that means, maybe I don't think about him enough or maybe I just try not to think about how long it has been. Most of the time I just fantasize about what he would be doing if he were with me. I picture him sitting on my lap while I watch TV or playing in his excersaucer and making noises when I am reading. It always ends up being Hayden I compare it to because Carter never really got to do those things so I don't know what he would sound like. I try to pretend it is real but it never really works. I still can't accept that he is gone when there was nothing wrong with him. I still feel like I must have just made him up, but that doesn't make sense because I was pregnant and I held him and I loved him. He was mine and I was his but we can't be together and it is too hard to let my self believe that. I think it gets harder as time passes. It isn't as hard every day, but when I do have a rough day it is really hard to just go to work and act like everything is fine and pretend that I don't notice all the babies that come in or people going on with their lives as if nothing could ever go wrong when I know that at any moment their phone could ring and nothing would ever be the same again. I know that I am not the only one to have gone through a tragedy, but most of the time I feel so alone. I don't know if I will ever feel safe and secure. I don't know if I can let myself be happy when it can all be taken away. I WAS happy I HAD everything I wanted. Now I just don't dare to plan ahead when usually I have at least a couple years planned out. I am afraid to commit myself to something because who knows what might happen to change it all? All I can do now is whatever is best for Hayden. I just want him to feel safe and secure no matter how I am feeling.

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