Wednesday, June 10, 2009


I went to my Brother's twins baby blessing on Sunday and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. They changed AJ's name to Andrew Joshua Carter Hanks, which is nice because I don't think we will have any more children to name after him. I have found that other babies don't make me miss Baby Carter any more than I already do, he was so one of a kind that they just don't remind me of him other than that they are a baby. He was so big and so expressive, even at only 3 months old he had so many different "looks" that he would give for whatever reasons. I feel like he was trying so hard to comunicate with me all the time. I keep thinking holding a baby will be too hard and make me sad, but I have held two different babies now (AJ and my friend Toshi's baby) and it doesn't feel right, I guess it feels like it should, like it is someone else's baby and not my Carter. I felt like he was mine when I held him and like he knew just who I was and was so content to just let me hold him. I guess it is a good thing but my arms ache to get that feeling back and I know that I never will. It was even different than with Hayden, being my first it took almost a year for me to feel like he was mine and to just know that I am a Mom and will never not be again. With Carter I was a Mom from the beginning so it just felt normal and right to have a baby at home. I didn't have to change my life to fit him into it, I felt like he was always a part of it. Now I am just trying to adjust to not having him here. When I walked into the gym at the baby blessing I felt like I should be holding him and taking care of him, it felt like everyone looking at me would notice something was missing like if I had lost an arm or a leg. It feels like I have physically changed and that it is noticable to anyone who looks at me that my baby is missing. It is a really weird feeling and I wonder if it will ever go away. Will I feel disfigured still in 10 years or 20?

1 comment:

  1. I'm not sure the feeling would ever go away. I've never been through anything like you have, but I do hope that things get better. I am so sorry you are going through this, its just awful! I'm glad you are able to hold other babies, and not feel even worse!
    Becky from PW