Friday, July 17, 2009

Harry Potter!

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I LOVED the new movie!! It captured the humor in the books sooooo much better than the previous movies. I went in expecting a dark and depressing movie and was pleasantly surprised at how funny it was. It has a very dark undertone which they balanced out so well with the humor. They did leave out a lot again, but I guess you can't avoid it or it would have gone from 2 hr 45 min to 5 hours. The last book is being split into two movies which is a good idea but they couldn't do that with all of them or there would be 14 movies!!!! I hope they keep the same people(director, producer, ect...) on the last ones because I enjoyed everything about this movie!!!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Time...........

Time just keep passing by. I can hardly believe it has been 3 months since my baby died. It doesn't seem right, like time should just stand still, but it can't. It is Tuesday July 14th and he died on Tuesday April 14th. Yesterday at 9:00am I just kept thinking how just three months ago I got a call that changed my world. "Your baby is not breathing, you have to come here now." I knew I had lost him as soon as I heard those words. I don't know how or why I knew, but I just knew. We are moving on with our lives, even though I feel like I shouldn't. I don't really have a choice though, I have to let Hayden have a normal life and that means I can't stay in bed all day and cry non stop or I worry it will affect him in a bad way. I do talk about Carter with him a lot and he likes to visit the cemetery with us. I just try to make it casual and answer whatever questions he has as best as I can. We went to a family reunion and a birthday party on Saturday. The reunion was hard because I haven't seen most of them since Carter died and some of them from out of state never even met Carter. The birthday party was hard because it was for a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I will never get to celebrate a birthday for Carter and he will never be one. I try to just act normal and not upset anybody, but it is getting harder as it continues to sink in that I can't just enjoy things anymore. I will always think of Carter whenever I do anything. He is always on my mind. I keep getting emails from Parenting Weekly about how old he should be and I can't bring myself to stop them because I want to know. I used to look forward to them every Tuesday, see what milestones to look forward to and what to expect from him. I try to picture what he would look like now or what he would be doing but I can't, all I see is my little 3 month old that looked like he was 6 months old. He was so big for his age. I miss him. I missed out on so much with him. He was supposed to complete my life not turn it upside down. I guess I will just have to let time continue to take me along for the ride, that is all I can do now, let it take over and hopefully start to heal my heart.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Song Lyrics

Sometimes a song can help describe how I feel, Stop and Stare by One Republic keeps coming on the radio and it seems to describe me right now.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see?

They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, Some never thought I could
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down