Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Time just keep passing by. I can hardly believe it has been 3 months since my baby died. It doesn't seem right, like time should just stand still, but it can't. It is Tuesday July 14th and he died on Tuesday April 14th. Yesterday at 9:00am I just kept thinking how just three months ago I got a call that changed my world. "Your baby is not breathing, you have to come here now." I knew I had lost him as soon as I heard those words. I don't know how or why I knew, but I just knew. We are moving on with our lives, even though I feel like I shouldn't. I don't really have a choice though, I have to let Hayden have a normal life and that means I can't stay in bed all day and cry non stop or I worry it will affect him in a bad way. I do talk about Carter with him a lot and he likes to visit the cemetery with us. I just try to make it casual and answer whatever questions he has as best as I can. We went to a family reunion and a birthday party on Saturday. The reunion was hard because I haven't seen most of them since Carter died and some of them from out of state never even met Carter. The birthday party was hard because it was for a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I will never get to celebrate a birthday for Carter and he will never be one. I try to just act normal and not upset anybody, but it is getting harder as it continues to sink in that I can't just enjoy things anymore. I will always think of Carter whenever I do anything. He is always on my mind. I keep getting emails from Parenting Weekly about how old he should be and I can't bring myself to stop them because I want to know. I used to look forward to them every Tuesday, see what milestones to look forward to and what to expect from him. I try to picture what he would look like now or what he would be doing but I can't, all I see is my little 3 month old that looked like he was 6 months old. He was so big for his age. I miss him. I missed out on so much with him. He was supposed to complete my life not turn it upside down. I guess I will just have to let time continue to take me along for the ride, that is all I can do now, let it take over and hopefully start to heal my heart.

1 comment:

  1. the tone of this post tells me that you're heart is in the beginning stages of healing... not that the hole will ever be completely filled... but i hear a slight change... and i'm praying for you daily!