Saturday, August 15, 2009


The Dash for Donation was good, even the an 85 year old man beat us!!! I didn't do was well as I thought I would, but I am not used to running on hills. Only 2 minutes longer than my goal though! My mom won in her age group which is really cool. Hayden really wanted to play soccer so we had him all excited and found out that he is three weeks too young. Now he is just devastated and was crying and calling me a liar because I told him he could be on a team and then told him he was too young this year. We are now trying to find a gymnastics class for him. We went to an open house today and he would'nt listen to the teacher and wanted to just jump on the trampoline. I have another introductory class on Monday at a different one that seems to be more for toddler age kids. If he isn't good and doesn't listen he just won't get to do it. I know he would have fun, but I raised a mammas boy and he usually gets what he wants so doesn't understand why he can't jump when he wants! It has now been four months since Carter died and it seems like an eternity and also like it was just yesterday. I miss him more and more. I wish I could have seen him grow up. So much happens in the first year, he would be a totally different baby now. Hayden always complains that he doesn't have anyone to play with and it just breaks my heart because that was what Carter was supposed to be doing, entertaining Hayden! I don't know if I will ever get "used" to the new normal. People ask if Hayden is my only child and sometimes I say yes even though I know they are just gonna ask if I will have anymore and then I have to lie again and say maybe sometime and they ask why so far apart in age and it becomes a whole big stupid lie so I can avoid telling them I HAD a baby and he died so I did have plans but it didn't work out so now I just don't know what I will do. I can't decide if the lie is easier or just more uncomfortable for me but less for the poor person who just wants to have small talk, but at least I don't cry. I just wish Carter was still here so Hayden had a friend and I had my baby and nobody has to be uncomfortable, but that is not an option so this is my life now. We went to a fundraiser for a family that needs a transplant and there was a little boy there maybe around how old Carter would be and he had a birthmark on his forehead like Carter. He didn't really look like Carter other than he was a white baby with blonde hair, but that birthmark was a lot like Carter's. Not shaped like a heart but in the same spot. I had too leave early so I didn't start crying. I never expect things to make me cry but sometimes even wierd things do. I saw a toddler bed strapped to a car and it made me cry, or we went to Thanksgiving Pointe and I was deciding if I should take a stroller than remembered I donated everything to the inner city mission because I couldn't look at it all just sitting around my house and that made me cry. I wonder if I should have gave it ALL away but I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and needed something to do so that was it. The morning after he died I went through the whole house and anything we were saving for Carter was donated. Now if we ever do have another kid I will have to buy everything!!! Oh well, it would have been hard to see all his stuff even with a new baby if I can talk myself into getting pregnant again.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Dash for Donation

On Saturday, August 8th my mom, sister and sister-in-law and I are going to do the 5k Dash for Donation. It benifits the Intermountain Donor Services or Organ Donation in Utah. We donated Carter's heart valves (everything else was too small to donate) and JJ is a Cornea Donor recipient. I keep thinking I need to do something to remember him, and nothing seems to help. His name is also going on the Donor Monument at the Salt Lake City Library and they are having an unveiling ceremony on August 29th. I don't know if seeing his name up there will help, pretty sure it won't, but it is a nice gesture I guess. I keep wondering what he would look like now at 7 and half months old. He looked just like Hayden when he was born but had started to change just before he died. I pictured him bigger than Hayden and just different, but I will never know. I also keep wondering if I hadn't taken him for a walk on a cold night in March maybe he wouldn't have gotten RSV and maybe his lungs would have been stronger so maybe he wouldn't have died. I know I can't change anything but I keep thinking MAYBE........
If I just knew WHY he died I might not wonder so much. SIDS just isn't a good enough answer for me, there HAS to be a reason and nobody can tell me WHY. I think about having another baby. Still not quite sure. Hayden wants me to "grow" another baby that looks like Carter. I don't know if I would want another boy, not wanting to replace Carter, but I don't really get to choose. I can't even imaging being pregnant again, and I really don't want to be. Adopting just seems silly when I can physically have a baby on my own. My friends that finally adopted after four years of trying and so many dissapointments are now pregnant and their babies will be only 8 months apart. I am so happy for them, but can't help feeling cheated because my baby was taken from me and they get to have two now. I know it is horrible and selfish but I can't help thinking it. I see people that have a lot of kids or pregnant women with young children always think why couldn't I have that, that should be me. It is especially hard to see two little brothers together and how Hayden has no siblings and wants a brother so badly. He sees kids riding by our window and always yells out "are they coming to my house to play?" and I have to tell him no and he just wants someone to play with. Even if I got pregnant right now they would be almost five years apart. I am not ready yet and the longer I wait the older Hayden gets. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could adopt a two year old but I am not sure I am up to going through the process of adoption let alone have the money to even try. I just keep letting time pass and it brings me along with it.