Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Dash for Donation

On Saturday, August 8th my mom, sister and sister-in-law and I are going to do the 5k Dash for Donation. It benifits the Intermountain Donor Services or Organ Donation in Utah. We donated Carter's heart valves (everything else was too small to donate) and JJ is a Cornea Donor recipient. I keep thinking I need to do something to remember him, and nothing seems to help. His name is also going on the Donor Monument at the Salt Lake City Library and they are having an unveiling ceremony on August 29th. I don't know if seeing his name up there will help, pretty sure it won't, but it is a nice gesture I guess. I keep wondering what he would look like now at 7 and half months old. He looked just like Hayden when he was born but had started to change just before he died. I pictured him bigger than Hayden and just different, but I will never know. I also keep wondering if I hadn't taken him for a walk on a cold night in March maybe he wouldn't have gotten RSV and maybe his lungs would have been stronger so maybe he wouldn't have died. I know I can't change anything but I keep thinking MAYBE........
If I just knew WHY he died I might not wonder so much. SIDS just isn't a good enough answer for me, there HAS to be a reason and nobody can tell me WHY. I think about having another baby. Still not quite sure. Hayden wants me to "grow" another baby that looks like Carter. I don't know if I would want another boy, not wanting to replace Carter, but I don't really get to choose. I can't even imaging being pregnant again, and I really don't want to be. Adopting just seems silly when I can physically have a baby on my own. My friends that finally adopted after four years of trying and so many dissapointments are now pregnant and their babies will be only 8 months apart. I am so happy for them, but can't help feeling cheated because my baby was taken from me and they get to have two now. I know it is horrible and selfish but I can't help thinking it. I see people that have a lot of kids or pregnant women with young children always think why couldn't I have that, that should be me. It is especially hard to see two little brothers together and how Hayden has no siblings and wants a brother so badly. He sees kids riding by our window and always yells out "are they coming to my house to play?" and I have to tell him no and he just wants someone to play with. Even if I got pregnant right now they would be almost five years apart. I am not ready yet and the longer I wait the older Hayden gets. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could adopt a two year old but I am not sure I am up to going through the process of adoption let alone have the money to even try. I just keep letting time pass and it brings me along with it.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Sarah...I just want to say that I think it's great that you are involving yourself in the 5k Dash for Donation. What a wonderful cause. I also think that each and everything you are doing is helping you heal little by little each day even though you may not see it or feel it. I think it's wonderful that Carter's name will be on the donor monument. I hope it brings you some comfort knowing that his name is displayed there.
    Keep your head up. Don't feel that you have to rush in making some of the decisions that you are wondering about. Give yourself some more time. When something feels right you will know. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
    Love, Rita