I can't believe it is September already and Hayden is turning 4! He is so excited to finally have a birthday, he has been counting down all summer. He is getting so big. I wish I could see what Carter would look like now and I wish I could see how my two boys played together. They never got the chance to get to know each other. Hayden still talks about him and asks if I am sad because I just have a kid (him) and not a baby. It has been 5 months since Carter died and he would be almost 9 months old. I feel like I am slowly forgetting him and keep looking at pictures to try and remind me. I have forgotten what its like to have to get up every couple hours and I don't hear Carter crying anymore, I actually haven't for a while and just realized it. Sometimes I think it is so unfair that everyone else gets to go on with their lives, can actually get over it and just think of it as an unfortunate event when I have to re-live it every day of my life. I thought I might be able to put all the "what if's" behind me but they get stronger and more determined to pull me down. I know there was nothing I could have done and I know if I had waited to take him off the ventilator he still wouldn't have made it but I can't help but think what if. Did I make the biggest mistake a parent could make, did I give up on my baby too soon, was there a miracle just waiting for me if only I could have waited a little longer? I will never know for sure. I feel like I was being selfish because the doctors said he wouldn't make it and I didn't want to sit at the hospital for another couple days and just watch him get worse so I let them turn off the machines. Not for Carter, for myself. I couldn't take anymore, so I just gave in. I always thought I would do anything for my children, endure whatever pain and heartache that was thrown at me and now I look back and think I just gave up. I couldn't even think at all so I just did whatever was the easiest way out. Give up. Go home. I know I am being hard on myself but that is how I see it now. A good mother would have given him a chance to become a miracle but I looked at him and didn't see my Baby Carter anymore so I just let him go. I didn't know if I should even write this, I feel like it is some deep secret that should never be repeated. I feel like I did something wrong. I am just hoping that if I can write it all down maybe I will be able to let some of it go. This is how I see my baby's life: He was born, he had a bad diaper rash because I gave him juice to help him poop, he got one of my hairs wrapped around his toe and it almost cut it off, I took him on a walk on a very cold night, he had RSV and was in the Hospital for a week, he stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital and put on a ventilator, they said he was without oxygen for too long and I let them turn off the ventilator, he died.
I feel like his whole life I made one mistake after another. I never really got to just love him. He was my whole life for 9 months in my belly and 3 months and 15 days as my perfect little baby that I just couldn't get anything right with. I miss him. I missed out on raising another little boy and FEEL like it somehow my fault even though I KNOW it isn't anyone's fault. A mother should be able to take care of her child.