Sunday, September 13, 2009

September already?

I can't believe it is September already and Hayden is turning 4! He is so excited to finally have a birthday, he has been counting down all summer. He is getting so big. I wish I could see what Carter would look like now and I wish I could see how my two boys played together. They never got the chance to get to know each other. Hayden still talks about him and asks if I am sad because I just have a kid (him) and not a baby. It has been 5 months since Carter died and he would be almost 9 months old. I feel like I am slowly forgetting him and keep looking at pictures to try and remind me. I have forgotten what its like to have to get up every couple hours and I don't hear Carter crying anymore, I actually haven't for a while and just realized it. Sometimes I think it is so unfair that everyone else gets to go on with their lives, can actually get over it and just think of it as an unfortunate event when I have to re-live it every day of my life. I thought I might be able to put all the "what if's" behind me but they get stronger and more determined to pull me down. I know there was nothing I could have done and I know if I had waited to take him off the ventilator he still wouldn't have made it but I can't help but think what if. Did I make the biggest mistake a parent could make, did I give up on my baby too soon, was there a miracle just waiting for me if only I could have waited a little longer? I will never know for sure. I feel like I was being selfish because the doctors said he wouldn't make it and I didn't want to sit at the hospital for another couple days and just watch him get worse so I let them turn off the machines. Not for Carter, for myself. I couldn't take anymore, so I just gave in. I always thought I would do anything for my children, endure whatever pain and heartache that was thrown at me and now I look back and think I just gave up. I couldn't even think at all so I just did whatever was the easiest way out. Give up. Go home. I know I am being hard on myself but that is how I see it now. A good mother would have given him a chance to become a miracle but I looked at him and didn't see my Baby Carter anymore so I just let him go. I didn't know if I should even write this, I feel like it is some deep secret that should never be repeated. I feel like I did something wrong. I am just hoping that if I can write it all down maybe I will be able to let some of it go. This is how I see my baby's life: He was born, he had a bad diaper rash because I gave him juice to help him poop, he got one of my hairs wrapped around his toe and it almost cut it off, I took him on a walk on a very cold night, he had RSV and was in the Hospital for a week, he stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital and put on a ventilator, they said he was without oxygen for too long and I let them turn off the ventilator, he died.
I feel like his whole life I made one mistake after another. I never really got to just love him. He was my whole life for 9 months in my belly and 3 months and 15 days as my perfect little baby that I just couldn't get anything right with. I miss him. I missed out on raising another little boy and FEEL like it somehow my fault even though I KNOW it isn't anyone's fault. A mother should be able to take care of her child.

1 comment:

  1. I think writing about how you feel is good. I know that I can't really understand how you feel but I can know it is hard and wish so much that it could be different. Of course there wasn't anything you could have done differently. I was there, I know Carter was no longer there. He was in Heaven sitting on Grandpa Hanks' lap and talking to Grandma and Grandpa Hogan. He's cheering for you and J.J. and wants you both to turn to Christ for comfort. Do it. Think about Christ, talk about Him and get to know Him, that's all He wants. Carter knows that now and Carter wants you to know it too. I hope you find that comfort. You and J.J. are good people, that matters for more than anything else.