Friday, December 24, 2010

Another year ends....

Another year ends and an entire year went by without my baby Carter. It seems a little harder this year. Maybe the shock has worn off and now I am stuck trying to remember and trying to move on. It was a pretty good year. I am glad we did the festival of trees and are planning to do it again next year with a big tree. I am doing a country owl tree because owls are considered guardians and I have always loved owls. I am excited it's Christmas, but I wonder if it will ever be the same for me again. I got one Christmas with baby Carter. He wasn't born yet but he was still a part of my life. I really don't like New Years because it was just me and Carter at the hospital ringing in the new year together. I just want to be alone not at a party with a bunch of people. It seems like a special gift I got to have one holiday with him. Hayden is really into Christmas this year and just can't contain himself. He is haveing a hard time being good. He has too much energy and can't go outside and use it up. So of course he was running around the house and broke his arm, again. I hope it is the last time. I am excited to see his face when he comes down the stairs tomorrow. He finally really gets it and really believes in Santa. He is such a good boy and I am so glad he is mine! Merry Christmas everone and I hope next year I can start to enjoy the holidays a little more.... I miss the way I used to feel around Christmas and I think I got a little back this year but I am still so sad.
SarahZina :)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Festival of Trees

We are doing a Tree for Carter this year. I decided to try out a small tree first and maybe next year we can do a big tree. Carter was my little fire truck baby (we rode to Primary Childrens in one when he had RSV) and he always stared at the stars on my wall and smiled.

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

I hope it sells and can help Primary Childrens Hospital.
SarahZina :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What if God was one of us?

I haven't heard this song in a long time and it was on Glee and made me think about it again. I always liked the lyrics.


If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question

If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets

What if god was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone


SarahZina :)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Lots of pictures!

First Hayden's broken arm.
Photobucket

Photobucket

Face painting and opening presents at his birthday party.
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Hayden got to be Star Bear at preschool and he brought home Preschool Bear to take care of for the week. They had fun getting ready for bed and wore the same pajamas!
Photobucket

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Party!

Hayden's party was super fun! He invited a few of his friends from school and daycare and 3 of them came!!! He was so excited to have them at his house! They played in the backyard while JJ went to get the pizza. The Flying Pie (inside Spaghetti Mama's) did not make the pizza I had ordered the day before. I was pissed is the only way to describe it. There were over 30 people waiting at my house for dinner. I talked to the "events planner" the day before and wanted 10 pizza's and to see what kind of deal they could give me. She talked me down to 8 for 30 people and then never even put the order in. Luckily my awesome cousin Tara came and painted the kids faces to keep them busy. The pizza showed up an hour and a half later and..... we ran out. I had to run and get 5 dollar little ceasars because some of the kids hadn't eaten yet. I don't really know how you become an events planner and why you would talk someone out of buying more and then not even make the pizza, WOW, is all I have to say. I wouldn't be mad about running out if they had actually made the pizza in the first place. So then I had to rush Hayden in opening presents and eating cupcakes because everyone was ready to go and parents were showing up to pick up kids. At least he is 5 and doesn't realize what happened and doesn't really care because he got a lot of cool stuff, but I am just glad it's over and have learned a few lessons. 1- call a few hours before and make sure your food will be ready. 2- make sure to over order so there is enough. 3- It's not the end of the world even if your super pissed about a 5 year olds disaster of a birthday party, he doesn't care so why should I? I will post pictures soon!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Wedding

I went to a beautiful wedding and all I could think was her daughter was born one month after Carter and he should be just like her right now. That is, if he didn't die 17 months ago. Will I ever get to enjoy things again. Nothing can ever be the same. I will never get to see things without grief from my loss hovering in the background. I am always aware of its presence not knowing when it will jump out to take my attention away from living life as normal and happy as everyone else seems to. I keep thinking it will go away or I will "get over it" as people like to put it. I can't. My whole life is not how I saw it and never will be. I hate pretending that I am so happy and so grateful for life because no matter how great things are or seem to be I will never get to say I am truly grateful for everything and everyone in my life because someone is missing and I will never get that innocence back. I will never have my life back. I get to live a different life, not a bad life, just not the one I wanted. I feel selfish and ungrateful because I am lucky to have all the people in my life who love me and lucky to have the things that make me comfortable. I just can't accept that life is supposed to go on like before when it is so different than it should be. I haven't been blogging lately because I just don't feel like I have moved on enough and I know I repeat myself in my own self pity, but maybe that is what I need to do. I want to see other peoples happiness without dwelling on my own loss. I don't know how to do that.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

broken arm

Hayden was running in the backyard headed toward the (buried) trampoline when he noticed a "little" kid on the tramp. He decided not to jump on and scare him and tripped and fell into the bar that is flush with the ground. He cried and said his harm hurt, but it was 9:00 pm so I thought he was just tired and ready for bed. I made him go to bed. He woke up the next day complaining that his arm still hurt and how it kept him up all night and he kept trying all the pillows (he has two) and they weren't soft enough. He wanted to go to the doctor because HE thought his arm was broken. I told him it was just sprained and he would be fine but decided to take him and see what we could do to help with the pain and get it wrapped or something. The doctor takes one little look at his arm and says "it's broken, take him to the hospital to get an xray and come back here for a splint." Hayden says "see, I told you it was broken." I am still not convinced. They do the xray of the wrist and there is no break but the girl wants to take a couple more up higher and there you go, both bones broken! I feel so bad that I didn't believe him. He is in a splint now but on Monday he gets the real cast all the way up above his elbow for 4 weeks. That is the rest of the summer. No more swimming or playing in the sprinklers, we were going to go to Lagoon, but poor guy can't go now. He is totally eating up all the attention though and can't wait to get to daycare every morning when it used to be a fight to get him in the car on time! They dote on him and help him with everything! It is getting a little old though, he can't seem to do ANYTHING with one arm, IE eat, put on clothes/shoes, go to the bathroom, ect. Four weeks is a long time! He will get his way though because I feel so bad and I have never broken a bone so really I don't know what it feels like. Poor guy. :(

Sunday, August 1, 2010

been a while

I haven't really felt like blogging lately. I am a super busy at work and feel like the summer just rushed by! I wanted to actually do stuff this summer instead of just staying home because I need a break from work, well it doesn't really work out that way! I sometimes wish I could work part time so I had more time with Hayden. The weekends end up being catch up for housework and if we do go camping or swimming or something I feel like I have no down time at all!! Oh the struggle every mom faces... stay at home and try to live on less and maybe not be able to afford to go out and do things or work and not have the time? This summer has been fun and I have tried to get Hayden out of the house on the weekends!!

We went to Incredible Pizza and played mini golf
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

We went to the park
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

I really want to make it to the zoo to see the baby elephant! I can't believe pre school starts in just over a month and Hayden will be 5 in two months! Time flys when your having fun... and when your not!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Summer fun

Hayden loves playing with his cousins in the backyard!
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket
now if only I can get him to go on his tummy!
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Sunday, June 13, 2010

preschool

Hayden loved preschool this year!

Riding a horse.
Photobucket

Playing at the park.
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

With his class.
Photobucket

He had a lot of fun this year and can't wait to go again next year!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Moab

We went to Moab over Memorial weekend and it was beautiful! Perfect weather and a lot of fun! Hayden was awestruck by all the arches and was a really good hiker this year. (usually about 5 minutes into a hike he wants to be carried) He climbed all over the place and even kept up with his cousin, Noah.

This is one of the many arches we hiked to.
Photobucket

Hayden and Ellie checking out the view.
Photobucket

Another set of arches.
Photobucket

Hayden and Noah taking a rest.
Photobucket

Baby Clyde keeping cool!
Photobucket

Thursday, June 3, 2010

....

I miss my baby. I don't want to start all over again and get pregnant. I feel like something is missing. I know what it is, I can't fix it by having another baby. Do I even try?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Cape Cod

My husband surprised me with a trip to Cape Cod to visit my best friend!! It was so much fun. We went to a Zoo-quarium, ate lobster, visited Plymouth rock and hung out at the beach. I am so jealous she gets to live there all the time!!!

Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Baby Birds

We have a nest in our satelite dish!
Photobucket

They aren't very cute yet!
Photobucket

Thursday, April 29, 2010

the "bug"

I was sick a couple weeks ago and thought Hayden was in the clear. He started complaining about a tummy ache a couple days ago and then last night was up all night pooping and puking. Poor guy. He kept his sense of humor though. The first time he just yelled "hey mom, I'm done peeing out my bum. Come wipe me." Then when he puked I ran in to comfort him and rub his back and he pushed my hand away and said "I got this." Then he was worried he might puke on the floor later and wanted to know what we would do. I told him we would clean it up and he won't ever get in trouble for puking on the floor, as long as he tries to make it to the potty! He said "I think I will only puke once so I don't make a mess." He hasn't puked again yet!!! He doesn't seem very sick.... maybe it is over with already??? I sure hope so!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Books!

I just ordered a bunch of books and can't wait to read them!! I think they are taking over my life! (just ask my husband) I LOVE reading even more now and read up to 5 books a month! It will probably slow down in the summer, but I just can't get enough! I am in a book club and our first meeting is next wednesday and I am super excited! I have turned into my parents who always had a book with them, even at my wedding!! Oh well, there are worse things I could be!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

One year ago....

It has been one year? I can't believe the time has gone by so fast. One year ago (right now) I got the call that my baby was not breathing. It seems like a lifetime ago. I just wish it never happened and I could be normal and happy again. I feel sick today.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Baby Animals!

We went to see the baby animals at a farm in Logan for the twins birthday. The animals were so cute!!
Photobucket

Hayden LOVED petting all the animals!
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

I even joined in and held the cute little chicks!
Photobucket

Hayden fell in love with a little duck and wanted to bring it home! I told him Roxy was a bird dog and would probably eat it! He told me he doesn't want a dog, he wants a duck!!!
Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

He decided the duck could stay there so it would have someone to play with!!! It was a beautiful day and we had a lot of fun!!!