Saturday, January 30, 2010

One week left!

We are doing a "Biggest Loser" at work and I have one week left to lose some weight! I lost about 9 pounds the first week and haven't lost any more..? I have been working out and think maybe I am gaining muscle, but I am disappointed. I am going to try and workout everyday and only eat healthy food. I can do it for one week.... I hope! I have been eating a lot better, but tend to cheat a little every couple days. I just can't accept that I can't eat what I want!! I LOVE food! I am doing really well on the no soda thing. I don't even want it. It is sugar that I am addicted to and I realize that if I try to give in just a little and have just one bite it only makes me crave it 10 times more!! My relationship with food is a tough one! I wish it were easier..... I just want to be healthy, and looking good would be a bonus!!!!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Moving on????....


I keep thinking that I am moving on. It has been 9 months since my Baby Carter left me. I have some days now where I don't cry. I only go to his grave a couple times a week. I can talk about him and even tell people that didn't know he died without falling apart. I can't bring myself to scrapbook him. My sister-in-law and friends gave me a scrapbook of just Carter, but my family scrapbook is waiting for me to decide if I should leave him out or try to put him in. I can't do it, and I can't just leave him out. So I am stuck at one year ago when I had my little boy here and was clueless to how precious he was. I always felt something was going to happen. I would just start crying and JJ would ask why and I told him I was scared something was going to happen to Carter. I finally relaxed after the toe almost getting cut off and being in the hospital for 6 days with RSV. I thought, Oh that's wasn't so bad. He is ok now. Then two weeks later he was just gone. My memory of the whole thing is foggy. I didn't really start noticing things around me until September, 5 months later. I just felt so strange coming home without him. Getting rid of all his things and not being woken up all night. It was just back to life without him, like the 9 months being pregnant and 3 months of his life never happened. I still don't know how to get back to "normal". I want another baby, but just don't know if I can even try. I keep looking at the adoption web site, but don't really want to go through the whole process. I see all those children who nobody wants and think, I wanted MY baby. I am going to another burial service for another baby who died. She would have been loved, too. But there must be some other plan for our babies. I wish it was easier for me to accept. I just can't. He was mine. I didn't get a say. I would have taken good care of him and he would have been happy here. So, I guess I am moving forward, but not really moving on, maybe I never will accept what has happened. I really have no choice but to keep going, see what happens next.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Cruel world.....

My heart is breaking all over again. An aquaintance I know lost her baby on Saturday. She was 9 months along and went in to be checked and the baby had died. I know the pain she is in and feel so much sadness for what she is going through right now. I don't even know what to say to her or if she even wants me to try. We aren't close, just have been at the same events/parties. I pray she is doing all right.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Still going strong.

So I have lost one more pound and have kept to the diet, mostly. I have added some milk in the morning and an extra fruit for a snack. I feel a lot better now and have started doing Yoga on my Wii fit, which is a lot harder than I thought it would be. You have to keep your balance and it shows you if your not so it is a lot harder than when I do the video Yoga because I must cheat and bend so that it takes the pressure off of my weaker muscles! I miss food soooo much, but feel so much healthier without all the sugar!!!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Ok, I am going to stop 500 call diet a week earlier than planned because I am not feeling well. I feel like I am a quitter, even though I will continue to diet I am just jumping into phase three early. I have felt pretty weak, which I kept telling myself is normal because I am not eating much. I have started to kindof black out when I stand too quickly, ALL THE TIME, not just occasionally. I also feel like I can't catch my breath and my heart starts beating faster, which could be anxiety over thinking I am going to pass out. So I am adding calories and starting my exercise routine early. I feel really bad because I just can't make myself do the diet anymore. I will continue to post because technically I am still on the same diet just didn't quite finish phase 2! I have lost 8 lbs so far and hope to at least keep that off!!!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Still going strong....

I have kept to my diet and have lost 7 lbs in 7 days!! It is great, except I am hungry and tired..... If I get down to my goal weight I will jump into phase three of the diet sooner than expected and will get to eat dairy and some carbs!! My only complaint is that I feel weak, but that is to be expected when you aren't eating as much as you are used to! I really feel good about changing all my eating habits and plan to keep up on it the rest of my life!!! I really miss sugar, I was suprised to find out I really did eat a lot of sugar because it is in EVERYTHING. I will have to look at labels more closely now! Two weeks left (unless I lose the weight faster) and I am done with the CRASH part of the diet!!

Friday, January 8, 2010

The dreaded Diet

So, I started my diet and giving up soda is seeming to be the easy part.... I thought that would be hardest. I am not "hungry" but I feel like I should be snacking all the time and the diet I am on is strict about how much you can eat a day so I try spreading it out but find I still want to snack when my snack is gone!!!
I have lost 3 lbs in 3 days so that is good, and 1/2 inch off my waist and butt. Everywhere else is still the same, but at least my fatty areas are shrinking a little..... I am going to try and post every couple days if only to motivate myself not to cheat and hopefully there will be good things to post about!!!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Aquarium

Hayden loved the Aquarium! He really liked the sting rays, but didn't dare to touch them! He kept making sure there was glass so the fish/sharks/sting rays couldn't fall out and land on him!!! It was alot of fun!