Saturday, January 23, 2010

Moving on????....


I keep thinking that I am moving on. It has been 9 months since my Baby Carter left me. I have some days now where I don't cry. I only go to his grave a couple times a week. I can talk about him and even tell people that didn't know he died without falling apart. I can't bring myself to scrapbook him. My sister-in-law and friends gave me a scrapbook of just Carter, but my family scrapbook is waiting for me to decide if I should leave him out or try to put him in. I can't do it, and I can't just leave him out. So I am stuck at one year ago when I had my little boy here and was clueless to how precious he was. I always felt something was going to happen. I would just start crying and JJ would ask why and I told him I was scared something was going to happen to Carter. I finally relaxed after the toe almost getting cut off and being in the hospital for 6 days with RSV. I thought, Oh that's wasn't so bad. He is ok now. Then two weeks later he was just gone. My memory of the whole thing is foggy. I didn't really start noticing things around me until September, 5 months later. I just felt so strange coming home without him. Getting rid of all his things and not being woken up all night. It was just back to life without him, like the 9 months being pregnant and 3 months of his life never happened. I still don't know how to get back to "normal". I want another baby, but just don't know if I can even try. I keep looking at the adoption web site, but don't really want to go through the whole process. I see all those children who nobody wants and think, I wanted MY baby. I am going to another burial service for another baby who died. She would have been loved, too. But there must be some other plan for our babies. I wish it was easier for me to accept. I just can't. He was mine. I didn't get a say. I would have taken good care of him and he would have been happy here. So, I guess I am moving forward, but not really moving on, maybe I never will accept what has happened. I really have no choice but to keep going, see what happens next.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know what to say, Sarah. I feel like you are doing a great job of moving on and getting through it. I love to see you hold and enjoy your infant niece's and nephew's, but I know it must be hard. All you can do is move on and be grateful for what you do have. You are an amazingly loving and caring individual and I'm grateful that you are my daughter. Love, Mom