Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It's been a while......

I have been thinking of what to blog because I am feeling a little "strange". Carter's one year anniversary is coming up and I don't really understand how I feel about it. Sadness, of course. Relief that the year is over. Scared that I am losing his memory. Confused about the "meaning" of life and death. Worried that I am still so confused. I think about the whole purpose of life and why some (maybe most) people have to go through such tragedy in their life and deal with death when they should be living. I want to know why it is worth it. Then I look at Hayden or the first flower of spring and the way everything is so dark and gloomy outside right now, but if you look close the trees are changing and the days are getting longer and there is beauty in life. I feel like I have lost the innocence in life. I see the beauty, but I still feel so much pain. In two weeks I can't say "last year I had a baby" anymore. I feel like that is just another loss. I miss him all the time and so does Hayden. He wants someone to live with him so much. He was playing with his cousin who is not much younger than Carter would be right now and it was hard to watch how nice he was to him and how well they played together. Hayden would have been the best Big Brother ever. He never got the chance because Carter was so young they never really played. I feel like Hayden has lost a little innocence as well. I want Carter for myself, but it is so much worse to see how it "could" have been with Hayden. They would have been best friends and partners in crime and I will never see it now. Even if I do have another baby they will be so far apart in age it will be different. Hayden can never have Carter back, can never experience that closeness with a sibling. I loved my childhood and feel like Hayden was robbed of his at 3 years old.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


One man's description of his grief:
I was overwhelmed with the sensation of being stuck in a revolving door. I knew that if I could just get out onto the sidewalk, I could survive this thing. But the door kept going around and around. Some of the people already on the sidewalk looking at me were very impatient and kept saying, "for heaven's sake, just come out here with us." Why don't they understand that's what I want more than anything, but it's not that simple? I need help to push through that door.

from Bereavement Magazine
Jan/Feb 2001

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Hayden is doing GREAT!

I think he is doing just fine now. He seems a little tired sometimes, but other than that he is back to normal! We even told him that he will like more food now because his tonsils are out and he tried STEAK and ZUCCINI! He didn't eat much, but that is about the first red meat we have gotten into him!! I am doing OK now. I was VERY anxious about Hayden having his tonsils out and now it is done and I can breathe again. I am going to talk to a councelor at my Dr's office because every time I go in there I cry, even though I feel like I am doing alright, all they have to do is ask "how are things in your life going?" and I just break down. I guess I will give it a try and see if it does me any good to talk to someone who doesn't know me. It feels like a lot of sad things have happened this year and it is barely March. A friends baby was still born, another friend lost his father. My sister lost her baby and my husband's great aunt died. I really want this year to be a happy one, but it has already been very sad for me and people I care about. I really wanted to try to get pregnant this year, but I am afraid. I don't really know what to do or even if I can do it. I don't want to get pregnant and have something happen because I am so stressed about something happening....... if that makes any sense.