Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It's been a while......

I have been thinking of what to blog because I am feeling a little "strange". Carter's one year anniversary is coming up and I don't really understand how I feel about it. Sadness, of course. Relief that the year is over. Scared that I am losing his memory. Confused about the "meaning" of life and death. Worried that I am still so confused. I think about the whole purpose of life and why some (maybe most) people have to go through such tragedy in their life and deal with death when they should be living. I want to know why it is worth it. Then I look at Hayden or the first flower of spring and the way everything is so dark and gloomy outside right now, but if you look close the trees are changing and the days are getting longer and there is beauty in life. I feel like I have lost the innocence in life. I see the beauty, but I still feel so much pain. In two weeks I can't say "last year I had a baby" anymore. I feel like that is just another loss. I miss him all the time and so does Hayden. He wants someone to live with him so much. He was playing with his cousin who is not much younger than Carter would be right now and it was hard to watch how nice he was to him and how well they played together. Hayden would have been the best Big Brother ever. He never got the chance because Carter was so young they never really played. I feel like Hayden has lost a little innocence as well. I want Carter for myself, but it is so much worse to see how it "could" have been with Hayden. They would have been best friends and partners in crime and I will never see it now. Even if I do have another baby they will be so far apart in age it will be different. Hayden can never have Carter back, can never experience that closeness with a sibling. I loved my childhood and feel like Hayden was robbed of his at 3 years old.

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