Sunday, September 26, 2010

Party!

Hayden's party was super fun! He invited a few of his friends from school and daycare and 3 of them came!!! He was so excited to have them at his house! They played in the backyard while JJ went to get the pizza. The Flying Pie (inside Spaghetti Mama's) did not make the pizza I had ordered the day before. I was pissed is the only way to describe it. There were over 30 people waiting at my house for dinner. I talked to the "events planner" the day before and wanted 10 pizza's and to see what kind of deal they could give me. She talked me down to 8 for 30 people and then never even put the order in. Luckily my awesome cousin Tara came and painted the kids faces to keep them busy. The pizza showed up an hour and a half later and..... we ran out. I had to run and get 5 dollar little ceasars because some of the kids hadn't eaten yet. I don't really know how you become an events planner and why you would talk someone out of buying more and then not even make the pizza, WOW, is all I have to say. I wouldn't be mad about running out if they had actually made the pizza in the first place. So then I had to rush Hayden in opening presents and eating cupcakes because everyone was ready to go and parents were showing up to pick up kids. At least he is 5 and doesn't realize what happened and doesn't really care because he got a lot of cool stuff, but I am just glad it's over and have learned a few lessons. 1- call a few hours before and make sure your food will be ready. 2- make sure to over order so there is enough. 3- It's not the end of the world even if your super pissed about a 5 year olds disaster of a birthday party, he doesn't care so why should I? I will post pictures soon!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Wedding

I went to a beautiful wedding and all I could think was her daughter was born one month after Carter and he should be just like her right now. That is, if he didn't die 17 months ago. Will I ever get to enjoy things again. Nothing can ever be the same. I will never get to see things without grief from my loss hovering in the background. I am always aware of its presence not knowing when it will jump out to take my attention away from living life as normal and happy as everyone else seems to. I keep thinking it will go away or I will "get over it" as people like to put it. I can't. My whole life is not how I saw it and never will be. I hate pretending that I am so happy and so grateful for life because no matter how great things are or seem to be I will never get to say I am truly grateful for everything and everyone in my life because someone is missing and I will never get that innocence back. I will never have my life back. I get to live a different life, not a bad life, just not the one I wanted. I feel selfish and ungrateful because I am lucky to have all the people in my life who love me and lucky to have the things that make me comfortable. I just can't accept that life is supposed to go on like before when it is so different than it should be. I haven't been blogging lately because I just don't feel like I have moved on enough and I know I repeat myself in my own self pity, but maybe that is what I need to do. I want to see other peoples happiness without dwelling on my own loss. I don't know how to do that.