Sunday, September 19, 2010

Wedding

I went to a beautiful wedding and all I could think was her daughter was born one month after Carter and he should be just like her right now. That is, if he didn't die 17 months ago. Will I ever get to enjoy things again. Nothing can ever be the same. I will never get to see things without grief from my loss hovering in the background. I am always aware of its presence not knowing when it will jump out to take my attention away from living life as normal and happy as everyone else seems to. I keep thinking it will go away or I will "get over it" as people like to put it. I can't. My whole life is not how I saw it and never will be. I hate pretending that I am so happy and so grateful for life because no matter how great things are or seem to be I will never get to say I am truly grateful for everything and everyone in my life because someone is missing and I will never get that innocence back. I will never have my life back. I get to live a different life, not a bad life, just not the one I wanted. I feel selfish and ungrateful because I am lucky to have all the people in my life who love me and lucky to have the things that make me comfortable. I just can't accept that life is supposed to go on like before when it is so different than it should be. I haven't been blogging lately because I just don't feel like I have moved on enough and I know I repeat myself in my own self pity, but maybe that is what I need to do. I want to see other peoples happiness without dwelling on my own loss. I don't know how to do that.

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