Thursday, December 22, 2011

Where are you Christmas?

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love


I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas now...... I have a hard time this time of year, but I can't help but love the true spirit of Christmas, if I am lucky enough to see it somewhere. Christmas used to be my very most favorite time of year and now it's just bitter sweet. I want Hayden to love Christmas and I want to teach him it's not about just getting everything you ever wanted. I hope I can teach him about giving when you are able, and helping where you can. I don't want Christmas to be about missing Carter, but he was due Christmas Day so it's a little hard not to put the two together every year. I was hoping it would get easier, but it just seems "normal" to be sad at Christmas time now. I miss how Christmas used to make me feel..... but I do think I got a little bit back this year, so maybe someday I won't be all over the place emotionally at Christmas time.

Monday, November 28, 2011

What a Hoot!

This year Carter's tree is "What a Hoot!" and it is C22 at the Festival of Trees. I have always loved owls and the owl is honored as the keeper of spirits who had passed from one plane to another. Often myth indicates the owl accompanying a spirit to the underworld - winging it's newly freed soul from the physical world into the realm of spirit.
Liza and Ashley helped by making the tree skirt and owl ornaments. Stephanie donated ornaments and made super cute owl ornaments for the boutique.
Grandma Zina made a quilt, Kylee made the fleece blanket and Oleysa knitted the cute yellow owl. Liza had the idea to hand stitch old sweaters together for the owl pillows.
Mary, Liza and JJ all came with me to help set it up and we looked around for ideas for next year. I hope to keep doing this every year and will try to do something new each year...... but I do love owls so I might have to do it again sometime.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I will blog, I promise....

I am not doing very well with this blog. I am setting a goal to blog at least once a month starting this month (this doesn't count). I figure if I can do it during the holidays the rest of the year shouldn't be to hard. I am finishing up all the crafts for Carter's Tree this weekend. I will take pics of all the stuff and hopefully finished pics of my wood projects.
Until next time,

SarahZina :)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Time to diet.....

I am starting a diet and exercise routine again. I have done really well so far not gaining back a lot of weight, but that 5 pounds I did gain is now sticking and going up! I have been eating a lot of sugar again and just recently, with it getting dark so soon and now the cold, I have stopped exercising. Now my pants are tight and it's time to get serious! No sugar, no soda and I have got to figure out how to exercise at home again. I sold my eliptical in our yard sale and really want a treadmill but realized I might not be able to get one down to the basement..... exercise videos here I come!~

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Yard Sale!

Yard Sale today! 9-2. 806 New England Dr (9675 S) in Sandy. Eliptical, mountain bike, clothes, toys, ect....

SarahZina :)

Friday, August 26, 2011

Hayden update...

My little man is starting Kindergarten and T-ball on Monday! He is growing up way too fast. He met his teacher and had his assesment and did really well. He is very smart with numbers, letter sounds are kind of hard for him. We went to Back to School night and turned in all his paperwork and he gave the teacher some Clorox wipes for her room. I really like his teacher, Miss Eldredge. I am a little overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to help him with at home, but I really want him to learn to read faster so I am going to try and help him every night. He really wants to read and it is something that is hard for him. I am excited to help out in his classroom, his VIP day is on his birthday so I am going to go in and play a game and bring treats for his class. I also signed up to do a presentation on Norwegian Holiday Traditions in December..... I guess I can Google it. :) We do have some Norwegian heritage, but we don't follow any traditions. Maybe we will start this year! I will post some pictures next week when he goes to school on the bus for the first time!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Sunday, August 21, 2011

posted on a support group

"A mother's love cannot be measured by increments of time. An entire lifetime of love can be squeezed into a few brief miraculous moments when necessary."

Friday, August 5, 2011

My dream house

I really want to remodel my house.... if only it didn't cost so much and take so much time. Here are some of my ideas.


I want to redo the outside of my house and add a front porch. I want it to be a green color scheme.
I want to do a more traditional cape cod style siding with different kinds of siding in different colors and also add some brick or stone. I want to have the decorative trimmed corners as well.
I really want to finish my kitchen. I would have to do the whole main floor though because I want wood throughout.... I don't know when I will do it but I like these ideas.
Someday I will have my dream house. I hope it is at least within the next 10 years. ;)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Always.....

Ok. It is all over. I LOVED the movie! I knew I would, but it was fantastic. A lot of it is exactly how I pictured it... it helps that the movies had come out before I finished the series so as I was reading and watching it all kind of meshed into the same thing. I laughed, I cried and I feel grateful to have had this experience to share with my family. We have seen them all together and my son has come to the last 3 or 4 (I can't remember) and has watched them at home with me. We will always have Harry Potter as something we did, and will continue to do, as a family. My favorite line in all the books is the same as in the movies. When snape produces his patronus and Albus says "after all these years" and Snape replies "ALWAYS"! It is heart wrenching to realize all that Snape has sacrificed for love. This is ultimately a story about love. Not your typical love story, even with all the magic and unbelievable creatures in the world of Harry Potter, it is more real than any other love story I have read or seen. It is about pure and deep emotion. Something Voldemort did not possess and something you must have to really live! I can't wait to see what these young actors do next.

Watching "Harry Potter" grow up!

So I thought I would post a "before I see the movie" and an "after". I know, I am a huge nerd. I don't care. I feel like it is the end of..... something? For the past ten years I have looked forward to going to the HP movies with my whole family and have read and re-read the books in anticipation for how it will come across on the big screen. For the most part I have been very happy with the results. I love the books and I love the movies. Now, this very afternoon, it will all be over. I have mixed feelings about it ending. I know what happens. I have read the books. It is just so much more real to see it and experience it. I am excited and a little sad. I don't know when or if something like this will come along again in my lifetime. Most books/movies I am tired of by about the third one. Never with Harry Potter. I feel like I am a part of the magical world and, yes, I do believe! From the first time I read "you are a wizard, Harry" I was hooked. JK Rowling created a world that will live on forever. I can't wait to read the books again when Hayden can enjoy them. They are characters that I have grown to love and will revisit them often. I feel like I watched them grow and now they are ready to move on also. The boy who lived is now a man. I feel a motherly affection for these kids and I am ready to see what else they have in store for us!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Hayden Graduated

My little man is now a Graduate.... of Preschool.
They put on a little program and did so well. Everyone remembered their parts and everyone sang all the songs!
I am so proud of him and he is so ready for Kindergarten this year!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Missing him

I am missing Baby Carter a lot these days. I keep thinking how he would be almost as old as Hayden is in all the pictures of them together. It is hard to picture him and what they would look like together now.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

She put into words how I felt, how I still feel sometimes.

Written by Corinne O'Flynn

Do you know me? I used to be so cheerful, the proud owner of an easy smile. I was optimistic and upbeat; pointing out the silver lining behind each of the dark and looming clouds. I was walking across the bridge into motherhood, and felt full of dreams for this baby that was growing inside me, our baby, my baby.

Do you remember me? I used to love going out with my friends, chatting on the phone, hanging out doing nothing, dishing over the gossip columns. I was the one who laughed the hardest when we saw that show together. I was the one who would spend hours shopping with you to find that perfect dress for your special event.

I was the one. I was.

Then my baby died and everything changed in that moment. When my baby died, that person I used to be died too. I just vanished into a cocoon of self preservation, learning how to survive the incredible pain. I didn't ask for this to happen, who could? I also had no idea I would lose so much of myself to this. Not unlike a butterfly whose metamorphosis happens while safely tucked away, I emerged completely changed. Unrecognizable.

When my baby died a part of me was torn away. My happiness went on hiatus; my optimism took the first train out of town. My smile disappeared. My soul became brittle and felt like it would just shatter if anything touched too forcefully. My skin tingled with a strange numbness as I walked around as this new person in this new life. I was a stranger, even to myself. Feeling weighted by a heavier outlook, I find myself in the mirror and do a double-take with these new eyes.

My husband and I are trying to reconnect. It is not divorce or separation that we are resisting; we are actually becoming acquainted to our new selves. There is so little to say, yet we have been through so much and it feels like everything has changed. We feel tighter and closer, but so hurt and broken that we can’t find the words.

My family asks where I went, and wonders when I will be coming back. My friends don't seem to recognize me in my new self. It is as though I fell into a magic sleep for a thousand years, and when I woke up everyone was speaking a different language. I feel like I have morphed into a square peg in a round-hole world; I just can't make myself fit into the same old places where I used to be so at ease.

My job has become difficult for me. I have lost focus, lost my drive. My ability to concentrate has been taken over by the part of my mind that commands me to grieve. Without a baby to care for, I am no longer eligible for maternity leave. I don’t have the luxury of wealth to stay home indefinitely, and so I am back to work shortly after my baby died with no idea what I am doing.

People are moving on in their lives, and new concerns are demanding their attention. They look back at me and wonder why I am “still” so sad. For me it is like time has stopped. Weeks and months later, it is as though my baby just died. I watch the clock to mark time that used to be measured by calendar. It has been exactly 24 hours since you died, exactly one week, two days, and three hours, exactly two weeks and five hours. I can’t help it. You died on a Saturday, and every Saturday marks an anniversary for me. I can’t imagine being ‘years’ away from your death.

I don't especially like this new me. At this time while my loss is still so new, it is all I can do to face the raw and unending pain. Nothing seems to make any sense. My entire awareness is wrapped around my empty belly, my empty arms, and the dreams for the child that will never be. The future feels dead for me.

I struggle with the people closest to me whose expectations of my coping skills are not being met. They express remorse that the old me has gone. They wish for me to snap out of it. They actually express anger that I am being such a drag. I can see so clearly that they simply don't understand, even so, it is hard not to be resentful when they don’t seem to care to.

They misread my reasons for declining those baby shower invitations, they don’t see that my reasons have nothing to do with my love for the mother-to-be and everything to do with my own survival. Even putting these thoughts into written word feels dramatic, self-centered, and overdone. But, it is so very real for me right now. Part of me is embarrassed that I feel this way, and part of me is furious that I have to explain it at all. The people who would require the explanation should already understand. I suppose their expectations are not the only ones being left unmet.

Everywhere I go I am surrounded by pregnant women whose confidence about their baby and their future is impenetrable. Their shopping carts are overloaded with baby things, and they chat happily about the names they are contemplating for their baby. She is hoping for a girl, that one really wants a boy. I contemplate screaming into their faces that the gender of their baby is the least of their concerns as I wonder if she will be like me; if hers will be the next baby to die.

My girlfriend told me today that she is pregnant. I want to be happy for her, but her news makes me feel like my heart has been torn out again. I swallow the rock in my throat and feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. I have constant anxiety that the mailbox will bring word of the surprise shower for her. Every time the phone rings I worry that they will mention our friend’s happy news. I think about what to say so I can appear normal when the baby conversations start up. I want to remind them that my baby died, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to. I am afraid for my friend with my new perspective on pregnancy, petrified of offending her in her blissful state, but still unable to take part in all of the celebration and the joy.

I know it sounds truly insane; I actually feel like I have gone crazy. But there it is, and as much as I wish it were different, it is me.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Another year without him....

Now it has been two years since Carter died. I should have a little toddler running around. I am missing out on so much. I can't even picture him, I just see Hayden at that age. I miss him.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Busy? or just nothing to report...

Well, I always have good intentions to keep up on this blog. I really wanted to go do more fun and spontaneous things, but it is really hard to plan that. ;) I was going to go to LA with my cousin Tara, but then some stuff came up at work and that didn't happen. I also broke one of my resolutions and bought a bunch of books. I just can't stop buying books. I really should just get a Kindle or something, but you still have to buy them and I still need to finish what I have. Oh, well. I just love how books feel and smell so I should have known I wouldn't be able to keep that one. Hayden started swim lessons and he loves it. He really wants to be able to swim. It is really cold though and he has a fever today so I wonder if it's from the cold water and then going out to the car with wet hair. We missed the third lesson because he doesn't feel well. I hope he's not really sick, maybe just growing too fast? I have to loosen his pants like every other day it seems and he has grown out of some that I swear we just bought. So that is all that is new. Not much going on, just regular life happening.

SarahZina :)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Out of my funk?

So I am trying to come out of the funk I have been in for about two years now. I really want to get back to living my life. I went to dinner with some friends I don't see very often and a last minute movie with my friend Jenny, which I pretty much never do. I always feel kind of awkward when I am with people I haven't known since childhood or don't see every day. I need to get over it and just let myself get to know new people and maybe not stay home every weekend in my comfort zone. I never used to be such a hermit, it really started when Hayden was born and got really bad after Carter died. It is time to start having some fun and maybe even get a life outside my family. I am hoping this will be just what I need to get out of my funk. It's a new year and time to start over. I am also going to try to blog about by my new outlook on life at least once a month. That means I have to do something out of my comfort zone every month. I can check off January with the the movie, Burlesque, with Jenny. I am really glad I went and I loved the singing and the Famous Amos cookies!(wink, wink) Now on to February. Is it possible to plan something spontaneous? I guess I will have to work on it ;)
SarahZina :)

Monday, January 3, 2011

2011

New Years Resolutions.
1. No eating out except special occasions.
2. Limit sugar.
3. Cut out soda (for real this time).
4. Have a more positive attitude
5. Read all the books I own before buying any new ones. (exludes book club)

This year I want to be more positive and try not to let myself get into my usual funks. I want to continue to eat healthier and excersize regulary. I wanted this to be a great year with no surgeries, broken arms or heart aches........ One of my best friends had a brain anuerysm and had to have surgery on 01/01/11. Yes the very first day of the new year. :( She is doing well for someone who just had brain surgery, but it will be a rough couple weeks and a few months recovery. I feel so sad for her and her family. I won't let this ruin my year though. She will recover and it will still be a great year! [that is me being positive;)]
So happy New Year everyone, let's make it a good one.
SarahZina :)