SARAH ZINA

Training starts!

2012-02-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my training for the SLC 1/2 Marathon begins! 10 weeks, no soda, no sweets and lots of carbs! YAY! I am running 3-4 miles during the week and starting with 4 miles on Sunday and adding a mile a week until I can do 10! I am excited and nervous, but I can do it!

13.1

2012-01-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

I am a little nervous about the 1/2 marathon. I need to get over my mental block that 13.1 miles is way too far to run all at once. My problem is that my knee starts hurting on mile 3 and I really don't know how much further I can run without injuring something. I am starting slow, trying to make it past 3 miles without any pain, but I have to start training in February and it is right around the corner. I have read that it is just your brain telling your body you can't do it and you have to push past it, but my brain is winning. ( I think it's smarter than me) I will keep trying and I will do the 13.1 miles, I just hope I don't end up walking the last 10 miles. ;)
Here is some inspiration!

Resolution time

2012-01-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

This year I am training for the SLC 1/2 marathon in April. I just want to finish, don't care how long it takes. I also want to try and read 100 books, any books over 100 pages count. I also need to read with Hayden EVERY NIGHT! I have been a huge slacker on this and Hayden is the one I am hurting, so I gotta do better. I also don't want to make any "weight loss" goals, just eat healthy and work out more. I want to be a happier person and my body image is a big part of that. No more numbers game, I just want to be healthy and happy.

So, to sum it up:
Train for 1/2 marathon
Read with Hayden every night
Finish 100 books in 2012
Be happy and healthy

Here's to the new year!

SarahZina :)

Where are you Christmas?

2011-12-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas now...... I have a hard time this time of year, but I can't help but love the true spirit of Christmas, if I am lucky enough to see it somewhere. Christmas used to be my very most favorite time of year and now it's just bitter sweet. I want Hayden to love Christmas and I want to teach him it's not about just getting everything you ever wanted. I hope I can teach him about giving when you are able, and helping where you can. I don't want Christmas to be about missing Carter, but he was due Christmas Day so it's a little hard not to put the two together every year. I was hoping it would get easier, but it just seems "normal" to be sad at Christmas time now. I miss how Christmas used to make me feel..... but I do think I got a little bit back this year, so maybe someday I won't be all over the place emotionally at Christmas time.

What a Hoot!

2011-11-28T17:51:00.001-07:00

This year Carter's tree is "What a Hoot!" and it is C22 at the Festival of Trees. I have always loved owls and the owl is honored as the keeper of spirits who had passed from one plane to another. Often myth indicates the owl accompanying a spirit to the underworld - winging it's newly freed soul from the physical world into the realm of spirit.

Liza and Ashley helped by making the tree skirt and owl ornaments. Stephanie donated ornaments and made super cute owl ornaments for the boutique.

Grandma Zina made a quilt, Kylee made the fleece blanket and Oleysa knitted the cute yellow owl. Liza had the idea to hand stitch old sweaters together for the owl pillows.

Mary, Liza and JJ all came with me to help set it up and we looked around for ideas for next year. I hope to keep doing this every year and will try to do something new each year...... but I do love owls so I might have to do it again sometime.

I will blog, I promise....

2011-11-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

I am not doing very well with this blog. I am setting a goal to blog at least once a month starting this month (this doesn't count). I figure if I can do it during the holidays the rest of the year shouldn't be to hard. I am finishing up all the crafts for Carter's Tree this weekend. I will take pics of all the stuff and hopefully finished pics of my wood projects.
Until next time,

SarahZina :)

Time to diet.....

2011-10-06T07:32:00.000-06:00

I am starting a diet and exercise routine again. I have done really well so far not gaining back a lot of weight, but that 5 pounds I did gain is now sticking and going up! I have been eating a lot of sugar again and just recently, with it getting dark so soon and now the cold, I have stopped exercising. Now my pants are tight and it's time to get serious! No sugar, no soda and I have got to figure out how to exercise at home again. I sold my eliptical in our yard sale and really want a treadmill but realized I might not be able to get one down to the basement..... exercise videos here I come!~

Yard Sale!

2011-10-01T09:26:00.000-06:00

Yard Sale today! 9-2. 806 New England Dr (9675 S) in Sandy. Eliptical, mountain bike, clothes, toys, ect....

SarahZina :)

Hayden update...

2011-08-26T07:45:00.003-06:00

My little man is starting Kindergarten and T-ball on Monday! He is growing up way too fast. He met his teacher and had his assesment and did really well. He is very smart with numbers, letter sounds are kind of hard for him. We went to Back to School night and turned in all his paperwork and he gave the teacher some Clorox wipes for her room. I really like his teacher, Miss Eldredge. I am a little overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to help him with at home, but I really want him to learn to read faster so I am going to try and help him every night. He really wants to read and it is something that is hard for him. I am excited to help out in his classroom, his VIP day is on his birthday so I am going to go in and play a game and bring treats for his class. I also signed up to do a presentation on Norwegian Holiday Traditions in December..... I guess I can Google it. :) We do have some Norwegian heritage, but we don't follow any traditions. Maybe we will start this year! I will post some pictures next week when he goes to school on the bus for the first time!

The evolution of hair...

2011-08-25T17:54:00.001-06:00

SarahZina :)

posted on a support group

2011-08-21T07:59:00.000-06:00

"A mother's love cannot be measured by increments of time. An entire lifetime of love can be squeezed into a few brief miraculous moments when necessary."

My dream house

2011-08-05T13:44:00.001-06:00

I really want to remodel my house.... if only it didn't cost so much and take so much time. Here are some of my ideas.

I want to redo the outside of my house and add a front porch. I want it to be a green color scheme.

I want to do a more traditional cape cod style siding with different kinds of siding in different colors and also add some brick or stone. I want to have the decorative trimmed corners as well.

I really want to finish my kitchen. I would have to do the whole main floor though because I want wood throughout.... I don't know when I will do it but I like these ideas.

Someday I will have my dream house. I hope it is at least within the next 10 years. ;)

Always.....

2011-07-16T15:59:00.000-06:00

Ok. It is all over. I LOVED the movie! I knew I would, but it was fantastic. A lot of it is exactly how I pictured it... it helps that the movies had come out before I finished the series so as I was reading and watching it all kind of meshed into the same thing. I laughed, I cried and I feel grateful to have had this experience to share with my family. We have seen them all together and my son has come to the last 3 or 4 (I can't remember) and has watched them at home with me. We will always have Harry Potter as something we did, and will continue to do, as a family. My favorite line in all the books is the same as in the movies. When snape produces his patronus and Albus says "after all these years" and Snape replies "ALWAYS"! It is heart wrenching to realize all that Snape has sacrificed for love. This is ultimately a story about love. Not your typical love story, even with all the magic and unbelievable creatures in the world of Harry Potter, it is more real than any other love story I have read or seen. It is about pure and deep emotion. Something Voldemort did not possess and something you must have to really live! I can't wait to see what these young actors do next.

Watching "Harry Potter" grow up!

2011-07-16T10:19:00.001-06:00

So I thought I would post a "before I see the movie" and an "after". I know, I am a huge nerd. I don't care. I feel like it is the end of..... something? For the past ten years I have looked forward to going to the HP movies with my whole family and have read and re-read the books in anticipation for how it will come across on the big screen. For the most part I have been very happy with the results. I love the books and I love the movies. Now, this very afternoon, it will all be over. I have mixed feelings about it ending. I know what happens. I have read the books. It is just so much more real to see it and experience it. I am excited and a little sad. I don't know when or if something like this will come along again in my lifetime. Most books/movies I am tired of by about the third one. Never with Harry Potter. I feel like I am a part of the magical world and, yes, I do believe! From the first time I read "you are a wizard, Harry" I was hooked. JK Rowling created a world that will live on forever. I can't wait to read the books again when Hayden can enjoy them. They are characters that I have grown to love and will revisit them often. I feel like I watched them grow and now they are ready to move on also. The boy who lived is now a man. I feel a motherly affection for these kids and I am ready to see what else they have in store for us!

Hayden Graduated

2011-06-05T09:05:00.000-06:00

My little man is now a Graduate.... of Preschool.

They put on a little program and did so well. Everyone remembered their parts and everyone sang all the songs!

I am so proud of him and he is so ready for Kindergarten this year!

Missing him

2011-05-11T12:46:00.001-06:00

I am missing Baby Carter a lot these days. I keep thinking how he would be almost as old as Hayden is in all the pictures of them together. It is hard to picture him and what they would look like together now.

She put into words how I felt, how I still feel sometimes.

2011-04-17T08:56:00.002-06:00

Written by Corinne O'Flynn

Do you know me? I used to be so cheerful, the proud owner of an easy smile. I was optimistic and upbeat; pointing out the silver lining behind each of the dark and looming clouds. I was walking across the bridge into motherhood, and felt full of dreams for this baby that was growing inside me, our baby, my baby.

Do you remember me? I used to love going out with my friends, chatting on the phone, hanging out doing nothing, dishing over the gossip columns. I was the one who laughed the hardest when we saw that show together. I was the one who would spend hours shopping with you to find that perfect dress for your special event.

I was the one. I was.

Then my baby died and everything changed in that moment. When my baby died, that person I used to be died too. I just vanished into a cocoon of self preservation, learning how to survive the incredible pain. I didn't ask for this to happen, who could? I also had no idea I would lose so much of myself to this. Not unlike a butterfly whose metamorphosis happens while safely tucked away, I emerged completely changed. Unrecognizable.

When my baby died a part of me was torn away. My happiness went on hiatus; my optimism took the first train out of town. My smile disappeared. My soul became brittle and felt like it would just shatter if anything touched too forcefully. My skin tingled with a strange numbness as I walked around as this new person in this new life. I was a stranger, even to myself. Feeling weighted by a heavier outlook, I find myself in the mirror and do a double-take with these new eyes.

My husband and I are trying to reconnect. It is not divorce or separation that we are resisting; we are actually becoming acquainted to our new selves. There is so little to say, yet we have been through so much and it feels like everything has changed. We feel tighter and closer, but so hurt and broken that we can’t find the words.

My family asks where I went, and wonders when I will be coming back. My friends don't seem to recognize me in my new self. It is as though I fell into a magic sleep for a thousand years, and when I woke up everyone was speaking a different language. I feel like I have morphed into a square peg in a round-hole world; I just can't make myself fit into the same old places where I used to be so at ease.

My job has become difficult for me. I have lost focus, lost my drive. My ability to concentrate has been taken over by the part of my mind that commands me to grieve. Without a baby to care for, I am no longer eligible for maternity leave. I don’t have the luxury of wealth to stay home indefinitely, and so I am back to work shortly after my baby died with no idea what I am doing.

People are moving on in their lives, and new concerns are demanding their attention. They look back at me and wonder why I am “still” so sad. For me it is like time has stopped. Weeks and months later, it is as though my baby just died. I watch the clock to mark time that used to be measured by calendar. It has been exactly 24 hours since you died, exactly one week, two days, and three hours, exactly two weeks and five hours. I can’t help it. You died on a Saturday, and every Saturday marks an anniversary for me. I can’t imagine being ‘years’ away from your death.

I don't especially like this new me. At this time while my loss is still so new, it is all I can do to face the raw and unending pain. Nothing seems to make any sense. My entire awareness is wrapped around my empty belly, my empty arms, and the dreams for the child that will never be. The future feels dead for me.

I struggle with the people closest to me whose expectations of my coping skills are not being met. They express remorse that the old me has gone. They wish for me to snap out of it. They actually express anger that I am being such a drag. I can see so clearly that they simply don't understand, even so, it is hard not to be resentful when they don’t seem to care to.

They misread my reasons for declining those baby shower invitations, they don’t see that my reasons have nothing to do with my love for the mother-to-be and everything to do with my own survival. Even putting these thoughts into written word feels dramatic, self-centered, and overdone. But, it is so very real for me right now. Part of me is embarrassed that I feel this way, and part of me is furious that I have to explain it at all. The people who would require the explanation should already understand. I suppose their expectations are not the only ones being left unmet.

Everywhere I go I am surrounded by pregnant women whose confidence about their baby and their future is impenetrable. Their shopping carts are overloaded with baby things, and they chat happily about the names they are contemplating for their baby. She is hoping for a girl, that one really wants a boy. I contemplate screaming into their faces that the gender of their baby is the least of their concerns as I wonder if she will be like me; if hers will be the next baby to die.

My girlfriend told me today that she is pregnant. I want to be happy for her, but her news makes me feel like my heart has been torn out again. I swallow the rock in my throat and feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. I have constant anxiety that the mailbox will bring word of the surprise shower for her. Every time the phone rings I worry that they will mention our friend’s happy news. I think about what to say so I can appear normal when the baby conversations start up. I want to remind them that my baby died, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to. I am afraid for my friend with my new perspective on pregnancy, petrified of offending her in her blissful state, but still unable to take part in all of the celebration and the joy.

I know it sounds truly insane; I actually feel like I have gone crazy. But there it is, and as much as I wish it were different, it is me.

Another year without him....

2011-04-14T08:12:00.003-06:00

Now it has been two years since Carter died. I should have a little toddler running around. I am missing out on so much. I can't even picture him, I just see Hayden at that age. I miss him.

Busy? or just nothing to report...

2011-03-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I always have good intentions to keep up on this blog. I really wanted to go do more fun and spontaneous things, but it is really hard to plan that. ;) I was going to go to LA with my cousin Tara, but then some stuff came up at work and that didn't happen. I also broke one of my resolutions and bought a bunch of books. I just can't stop buying books. I really should just get a Kindle or something, but you still have to buy them and I still need to finish what I have. Oh, well. I just love how books feel and smell so I should have known I wouldn't be able to keep that one. Hayden started swim lessons and he loves it. He really wants to be able to swim. It is really cold though and he has a fever today so I wonder if it's from the cold water and then going out to the car with wet hair. We missed the third lesson because he doesn't feel well. I hope he's not really sick, maybe just growing too fast? I have to loosen his pants like every other day it seems and he has grown out of some that I swear we just bought. So that is all that is new. Not much going on, just regular life happening.

SarahZina :)

Out of my funk?

2011-01-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

So I am trying to come out of the funk I have been in for about two years now. I really want to get back to living my life. I went to dinner with some friends I don't see very often and a last minute movie with my friend Jenny, which I pretty much never do. I always feel kind of awkward when I am with people I haven't known since childhood or don't see every day. I need to get over it and just let myself get to know new people and maybe not stay home every weekend in my comfort zone. I never used to be such a hermit, it really started when Hayden was born and got really bad after Carter died. It is time to start having some fun and maybe even get a life outside my family. I am hoping this will be just what I need to get out of my funk. It's a new year and time to start over. I am also going to try to blog about by my new outlook on life at least once a month. That means I have to do something out of my comfort zone every month. I can check off January with the the movie, Burlesque, with Jenny. I am really glad I went and I loved the singing and the Famous Amos cookies!(wink, wink) Now on to February. Is it possible to plan something spontaneous? I guess I will have to work on it ;)
SarahZina :)

2011

2011-01-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

New Years Resolutions.
1. No eating out except special occasions.
2. Limit sugar.
3. Cut out soda (for real this time).
4. Have a more positive attitude
5. Read all the books I own before buying any new ones. (exludes book club)

This year I want to be more positive and try not to let myself get into my usual funks. I want to continue to eat healthier and excersize regulary. I wanted this to be a great year with no surgeries, broken arms or heart aches........ One of my best friends had a brain anuerysm and had to have surgery on 01/01/11. Yes the very first day of the new year. :( She is doing well for someone who just had brain surgery, but it will be a rough couple weeks and a few months recovery. I feel so sad for her and her family. I won't let this ruin my year though. She will recover and it will still be a great year! [that is me being positive;)]
So happy New Year everyone, let's make it a good one.
SarahZina :)

Another year ends....

2010-12-24T16:42:00.002-07:00

Another year ends and an entire year went by without my baby Carter. It seems a little harder this year. Maybe the shock has worn off and now I am stuck trying to remember and trying to move on. It was a pretty good year. I am glad we did the festival of trees and are planning to do it again next year with a big tree. I am doing a country owl tree because owls are considered guardians and I have always loved owls. I am excited it's Christmas, but I wonder if it will ever be the same for me again. I got one Christmas with baby Carter. He wasn't born yet but he was still a part of my life. I really don't like New Years because it was just me and Carter at the hospital ringing in the new year together. I just want to be alone not at a party with a bunch of people. It seems like a special gift I got to have one holiday with him. Hayden is really into Christmas this year and just can't contain himself. He is haveing a hard time being good. He has too much energy and can't go outside and use it up. So of course he was running around the house and broke his arm, again. I hope it is the last time. I am excited to see his face when he comes down the stairs tomorrow. He finally really gets it and really believes in Santa. He is such a good boy and I am so glad he is mine! Merry Christmas everone and I hope next year I can start to enjoy the holidays a little more.... I miss the way I used to feel around Christmas and I think I got a little back this year but I am still so sad.
SarahZina :)

Festival of Trees

2010-11-28T11:58:00.004-07:00

We are doing a Tree for Carter this year. I decided to try out a small tree first and maybe next year we can do a big tree. Carter was my little fire truck baby (we rode to Primary Childrens in one when he had RSV) and he always stared at the stars on my wall and smiled.

I hope it sells and can help Primary Childrens Hospital.
SarahZina :)

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-13T07:17:00.000-06:00

SarahZina :)

What if God was one of us?

2010-10-06T19:54:00.002-06:00

I haven't heard this song in a long time and it was on Glee and made me think about it again. I always liked the lyrics.

If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question

If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets

What if god was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone

SarahZina :)

Lots of pictures!

2010-10-02T16:17:00.003-06:00

First Hayden's broken arm.

Face painting and opening presents at his birthday party.

Hayden got to be Star Bear at preschool and he brought home Preschool Bear to take care of for the week. They had fun getting ready for bed and wore the same pajamas!

Party!

2010-09-26T08:20:00.003-06:00

Hayden's party was super fun! He invited a few of his friends from school and daycare and 3 of them came!!! He was so excited to have them at his house! They played in the backyard while JJ went to get the pizza. The Flying Pie (inside Spaghetti Mama's) did not make the pizza I had ordered the day before. I was pissed is the only way to describe it. There were over 30 people waiting at my house for dinner. I talked to the "events planner" the day before and wanted 10 pizza's and to see what kind of deal they could give me. She talked me down to 8 for 30 people and then never even put the order in. Luckily my awesome cousin Tara came and painted the kids faces to keep them busy. The pizza showed up an hour and a half later and..... we ran out. I had to run and get 5 dollar little ceasars because some of the kids hadn't eaten yet. I don't really know how you become an events planner and why you would talk someone out of buying more and then not even make the pizza, WOW, is all I have to say. I wouldn't be mad about running out if they had actually made the pizza in the first place. So then I had to rush Hayden in opening presents and eating cupcakes because everyone was ready to go and parents were showing up to pick up kids. At least he is 5 and doesn't realize what happened and doesn't really care because he got a lot of cool stuff, but I am just glad it's over and have learned a few lessons. 1- call a few hours before and make sure your food will be ready. 2- make sure to over order so there is enough. 3- It's not the end of the world even if your super pissed about a 5 year olds disaster of a birthday party, he doesn't care so why should I? I will post pictures soon!

Wedding

2010-09-19T19:11:00.002-06:00

I went to a beautiful wedding and all I could think was her daughter was born one month after Carter and he should be just like her right now. That is, if he didn't die 17 months ago. Will I ever get to enjoy things again. Nothing can ever be the same. I will never get to see things without grief from my loss hovering in the background. I am always aware of its presence not knowing when it will jump out to take my attention away from living life as normal and happy as everyone else seems to. I keep thinking it will go away or I will "get over it" as people like to put it. I can't. My whole life is not how I saw it and never will be. I hate pretending that I am so happy and so grateful for life because no matter how great things are or seem to be I will never get to say I am truly grateful for everything and everyone in my life because someone is missing and I will never get that innocence back. I will never have my life back. I get to live a different life, not a bad life, just not the one I wanted. I feel selfish and ungrateful because I am lucky to have all the people in my life who love me and lucky to have the things that make me comfortable. I just can't accept that life is supposed to go on like before when it is so different than it should be. I haven't been blogging lately because I just don't feel like I have moved on enough and I know I repeat myself in my own self pity, but maybe that is what I need to do. I want to see other peoples happiness without dwelling on my own loss. I don't know how to do that.

broken arm

2010-08-19T19:24:00.004-06:00

Hayden was running in the backyard headed toward the (buried) trampoline when he noticed a "little" kid on the tramp. He decided not to jump on and scare him and tripped and fell into the bar that is flush with the ground. He cried and said his harm hurt, but it was 9:00 pm so I thought he was just tired and ready for bed. I made him go to bed. He woke up the next day complaining that his arm still hurt and how it kept him up all night and he kept trying all the pillows (he has two) and they weren't soft enough. He wanted to go to the doctor because HE thought his arm was broken. I told him it was just sprained and he would be fine but decided to take him and see what we could do to help with the pain and get it wrapped or something. The doctor takes one little look at his arm and says "it's broken, take him to the hospital to get an xray and come back here for a splint." Hayden says "see, I told you it was broken." I am still not convinced. They do the xray of the wrist and there is no break but the girl wants to take a couple more up higher and there you go, both bones broken! I feel so bad that I didn't believe him. He is in a splint now but on Monday he gets the real cast all the way up above his elbow for 4 weeks. That is the rest of the summer. No more swimming or playing in the sprinklers, we were going to go to Lagoon, but poor guy can't go now. He is totally eating up all the attention though and can't wait to get to daycare every morning when it used to be a fight to get him in the car on time! They dote on him and help him with everything! It is getting a little old though, he can't seem to do ANYTHING with one arm, IE eat, put on clothes/shoes, go to the bathroom, ect. Four weeks is a long time! He will get his way though because I feel so bad and I have never broken a bone so really I don't know what it feels like. Poor guy. :(

been a while

2010-08-01T10:51:00.003-06:00

I haven't really felt like blogging lately. I am a super busy at work and feel like the summer just rushed by! I wanted to actually do stuff this summer instead of just staying home because I need a break from work, well it doesn't really work out that way! I sometimes wish I could work part time so I had more time with Hayden. The weekends end up being catch up for housework and if we do go camping or swimming or something I feel like I have no down time at all!! Oh the struggle every mom faces... stay at home and try to live on less and maybe not be able to afford to go out and do things or work and not have the time? This summer has been fun and I have tried to get Hayden out of the house on the weekends!!

We went to Incredible Pizza and played mini golf

We went to the park

I really want to make it to the zoo to see the baby elephant! I can't believe pre school starts in just over a month and Hayden will be 5 in two months! Time flys when your having fun... and when your not!

Summer fun

2010-06-27T18:03:00.002-06:00

Hayden loves playing with his cousins in the backyard!

now if only I can get him to go on his tummy!

preschool

2010-06-13T12:21:00.005-06:00

Hayden loved preschool this year!

Riding a horse.

Playing at the park.

With his class.

He had a lot of fun this year and can't wait to go again next year!

Moab

2010-06-12T08:23:00.004-06:00

We went to Moab over Memorial weekend and it was beautiful! Perfect weather and a lot of fun! Hayden was awestruck by all the arches and was a really good hiker this year. (usually about 5 minutes into a hike he wants to be carried) He climbed all over the place and even kept up with his cousin, Noah.

This is one of the many arches we hiked to.

Hayden and Ellie checking out the view.

Another set of arches.

Hayden and Noah taking a rest.

Baby Clyde keeping cool!

....

2010-06-03T07:37:00.003-06:00

I miss my baby. I don't want to start all over again and get pregnant. I feel like something is missing. I know what it is, I can't fix it by having another baby. Do I even try?

Cape Cod

2010-05-21T20:22:00.003-06:00

My husband surprised me with a trip to Cape Cod to visit my best friend!! It was so much fun. We went to a Zoo-quarium, ate lobster, visited Plymouth rock and hung out at the beach. I am so jealous she gets to live there all the time!!!

Baby Birds

2010-05-20T18:42:00.002-06:00

We have a nest in our satelite dish!

They aren't very cute yet!

the "bug"

2010-04-29T17:50:00.002-06:00

I was sick a couple weeks ago and thought Hayden was in the clear. He started complaining about a tummy ache a couple days ago and then last night was up all night pooping and puking. Poor guy. He kept his sense of humor though. The first time he just yelled "hey mom, I'm done peeing out my bum. Come wipe me." Then when he puked I ran in to comfort him and rub his back and he pushed my hand away and said "I got this." Then he was worried he might puke on the floor later and wanted to know what we would do. I told him we would clean it up and he won't ever get in trouble for puking on the floor, as long as he tries to make it to the potty! He said "I think I will only puke once so I don't make a mess." He hasn't puked again yet!!! He doesn't seem very sick.... maybe it is over with already??? I sure hope so!

Books!

2010-04-21T07:48:00.002-06:00

I just ordered a bunch of books and can't wait to read them!! I think they are taking over my life! (just ask my husband) I LOVE reading even more now and read up to 5 books a month! It will probably slow down in the summer, but I just can't get enough! I am in a book club and our first meeting is next wednesday and I am super excited! I have turned into my parents who always had a book with them, even at my wedding!! Oh well, there are worse things I could be!

One year ago....

2010-04-13T09:03:00.001-06:00

It has been one year? I can't believe the time has gone by so fast. One year ago (right now) I got the call that my baby was not breathing. It seems like a lifetime ago. I just wish it never happened and I could be normal and happy again. I feel sick today.

Baby Animals!

2010-04-10T08:12:00.003-06:00

We went to see the baby animals at a farm in Logan for the twins birthday. The animals were so cute!!

Hayden LOVED petting all the animals!

I even joined in and held the cute little chicks!

Hayden fell in love with a little duck and wanted to bring it home! I told him Roxy was a bird dog and would probably eat it! He told me he doesn't want a dog, he wants a duck!!!

He decided the duck could stay there so it would have someone to play with!!! It was a beautiful day and we had a lot of fun!!!

Olive Kitteridge- by Elizabeth Strout

2010-04-05T15:46:00.001-06:00

"No, she came here hoping that in the presence of someone else's sorrow, a tiny crack of light would somehow come through her own dark encasement. But it remains seperate form her, this old house filled with people."

It's been a while......

2010-03-30T17:52:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking of what to blog because I am feeling a little "strange". Carter's one year anniversary is coming up and I don't really understand how I feel about it. Sadness, of course. Relief that the year is over. Scared that I am losing his memory. Confused about the "meaning" of life and death. Worried that I am still so confused. I think about the whole purpose of life and why some (maybe most) people have to go through such tragedy in their life and deal with death when they should be living. I want to know why it is worth it. Then I look at Hayden or the first flower of spring and the way everything is so dark and gloomy outside right now, but if you look close the trees are changing and the days are getting longer and there is beauty in life. I feel like I have lost the innocence in life. I see the beauty, but I still feel so much pain. In two weeks I can't say "last year I had a baby" anymore. I feel like that is just another loss. I miss him all the time and so does Hayden. He wants someone to live with him so much. He was playing with his cousin who is not much younger than Carter would be right now and it was hard to watch how nice he was to him and how well they played together. Hayden would have been the best Big Brother ever. He never got the chance because Carter was so young they never really played. I feel like Hayden has lost a little innocence as well. I want Carter for myself, but it is so much worse to see how it "could" have been with Hayden. They would have been best friends and partners in crime and I will never see it now. Even if I do have another baby they will be so far apart in age it will be different. Hayden can never have Carter back, can never experience that closeness with a sibling. I loved my childhood and feel like Hayden was robbed of his at 3 years old.

Grief

2010-03-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

One man's description of his grief:
I was overwhelmed with the sensation of being stuck in a revolving door. I knew that if I could just get out onto the sidewalk, I could survive this thing. But the door kept going around and around. Some of the people already on the sidewalk looking at me were very impatient and kept saying, "for heaven's sake, just come out here with us." Why don't they understand that's what I want more than anything, but it's not that simple? I need help to push through that door.

from Bereavement Magazine
Jan/Feb 2001

Hayden is doing GREAT!

2010-03-04T12:47:00.001-07:00

I think he is doing just fine now. He seems a little tired sometimes, but other than that he is back to normal! We even told him that he will like more food now because his tonsils are out and he tried STEAK and ZUCCINI! He didn't eat much, but that is about the first red meat we have gotten into him!! I am doing OK now. I was VERY anxious about Hayden having his tonsils out and now it is done and I can breathe again. I am going to talk to a councelor at my Dr's office because every time I go in there I cry, even though I feel like I am doing alright, all they have to do is ask "how are things in your life going?" and I just break down. I guess I will give it a try and see if it does me any good to talk to someone who doesn't know me. It feels like a lot of sad things have happened this year and it is barely March. A friends baby was still born, another friend lost his father. My sister lost her baby and my husband's great aunt died. I really want this year to be a happy one, but it has already been very sad for me and people I care about. I really wanted to try to get pregnant this year, but I am afraid. I don't really know what to do or even if I can do it. I don't want to get pregnant and have something happen because I am so stressed about something happening....... if that makes any sense.

Over the Hump?

2010-02-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

Last night was the worst so far! He was crying most of the night and wouldn't take the pain killer. He was shaking like crazy and kept asking why he couldn't stop crying/shaking. He seems ok most of the day but at night his ears really hurt. The doctor said the worst of it is at 7-10 days, so I hope last night was the worst and we are over the hump! It breaks my heart to see him crying in pain :( He is such a good little boy and I want to just take the pain away!

Much better now!

2010-02-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

Hayden is still sore, but he is much more active. We have to remind him to take it easy and no rough housing for a few more days! He had a fever for a few hours yesterday but is ok now. He HATES the Lortab and cries every time he has to take it, but it makes him feel so much better. He woke up really sore this morning, they told us 72 hours after is usually the worst, but I gave him Tylenol and he is watching TV and playing. He even ate a couple pancakes! I hope we can stop giving him the Lortab by Monday..... he really doesn't mind taking the antibiotic, but even the smell of the Lortab makes me want to puke! He is such a tough little guy and I am so proud of him!

Primary Childrens.

2010-02-18T11:12:00.001-07:00

I spent the night at Primary Childrens. Hayden was throwing up and there was blood in it so they had us go in. They said it was just the blood he swallowed during surgery but kept him overnight to make sure he would stop throwing up. He is doing much better and is more comfortable at home. It was probably the anesthesia and blood sitting in his stomach that made him so sick. Now we are just relaxing and watching TV again.

Tonsils and Adenoids Out!

2010-02-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

It is done and over with! Now just the two week recovery:( Hayden is a trooper. It was funny seeing him "drunk" before he went in! He was really upset when I first saw him in recovery and wouldn't open his eyes, the nurse said he wasn't awake yet. All of a sudden he said "I want a slurpie" and was wide awake. He cried and cried that he wanted to go home and when they finally let us leave he was so happy! He hasn't been too bad at home, except he threw up all the liquids we have given him. He isn't crying anymore, just doesn't feel very good. I hope he starts keeping liquid down better, he hasn't peed yet and if he doesn't by tonight we have to call the doctor. I am still worried about him, but he is doing well, just watching TV and sipping sprite and slurpie! Hopefully we will get some sleep tonight! My poor little man!

Surgery?

2010-02-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

Hayden needs to get his tonsils out... I am really nervous, even though it is a common surgery and a lot of kids his age and younger have had it done. It is scheduled for the 17th and has a two week recovery. (only because he is in Daycare and the doctor recommends an extra week away from all the other kids) I hope it helps him sleep better and prevents any problems in the future, but am worried about something going wrong. He doesn't have any major problems like being sick all the time but his tonsils are HUGE. They are like cherries hanging in the back of his throat and can cause problems when he is older and unable to recover as easily. I am listening to the doctor, he knows what is best but I have a hard time making a decision because I already feel I made bad choices with Carter and he died. It is silly but I will always wonder if I hadn't taken him for a walk in the cold and he hadn't gotten RSV maybe he would still be here. I also wonder if I would have given him more time maybe he would have woken up. I just hope Hayden is ok. No matter what I do something COULD happen to him and I just need to stop thinking about it.

One week left!

2010-01-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

We are doing a "Biggest Loser" at work and I have one week left to lose some weight! I lost about 9 pounds the first week and haven't lost any more..? I have been working out and think maybe I am gaining muscle, but I am disappointed. I am going to try and workout everyday and only eat healthy food. I can do it for one week.... I hope! I have been eating a lot better, but tend to cheat a little every couple days. I just can't accept that I can't eat what I want!! I LOVE food! I am doing really well on the no soda thing. I don't even want it. It is sugar that I am addicted to and I realize that if I try to give in just a little and have just one bite it only makes me crave it 10 times more!! My relationship with food is a tough one! I wish it were easier..... I just want to be healthy, and looking good would be a bonus!!!!

Moving on????....

2010-01-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking that I am moving on. It has been 9 months since my Baby Carter left me. I have some days now where I don't cry. I only go to his grave a couple times a week. I can talk about him and even tell people that didn't know he died without falling apart. I can't bring myself to scrapbook him. My sister-in-law and friends gave me a scrapbook of just Carter, but my family scrapbook is waiting for me to decide if I should leave him out or try to put him in. I can't do it, and I can't just leave him out. So I am stuck at one year ago when I had my little boy here and was clueless to how precious he was. I always felt something was going to happen. I would just start crying and JJ would ask why and I told him I was scared something was going to happen to Carter. I finally relaxed after the toe almost getting cut off and being in the hospital for 6 days with RSV. I thought, Oh that's wasn't so bad. He is ok now. Then two weeks later he was just gone. My memory of the whole thing is foggy. I didn't really start noticing things around me until September, 5 months later. I just felt so strange coming home without him. Getting rid of all his things and not being woken up all night. It was just back to life without him, like the 9 months being pregnant and 3 months of his life never happened. I still don't know how to get back to "normal". I want another baby, but just don't know if I can even try. I keep looking at the adoption web site, but don't really want to go through the whole process. I see all those children who nobody wants and think, I wanted MY baby. I am going to another burial service for another baby who died. She would have been loved, too. But there must be some other plan for our babies. I wish it was easier for me to accept. I just can't. He was mine. I didn't get a say. I would have taken good care of him and he would have been happy here. So, I guess I am moving forward, but not really moving on, maybe I never will accept what has happened. I really have no choice but to keep going, see what happens next.

Cruel world.....

2010-01-19T11:06:00.001-07:00

My heart is breaking all over again. An aquaintance I know lost her baby on Saturday. She was 9 months along and went in to be checked and the baby had died. I know the pain she is in and feel so much sadness for what she is going through right now. I don't even know what to say to her or if she even wants me to try. We aren't close, just have been at the same events/parties. I pray she is doing all right.

Still going strong.

2010-01-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I have lost one more pound and have kept to the diet, mostly. I have added some milk in the morning and an extra fruit for a snack. I feel a lot better now and have started doing Yoga on my Wii fit, which is a lot harder than I thought it would be. You have to keep your balance and it shows you if your not so it is a lot harder than when I do the video Yoga because I must cheat and bend so that it takes the pressure off of my weaker muscles! I miss food soooo much, but feel so much healthier without all the sugar!!!

QUITTER!!!

2010-01-12T15:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am going to stop 500 call diet a week earlier than planned because I am not feeling well. I feel like I am a quitter, even though I will continue to diet I am just jumping into phase three early. I have felt pretty weak, which I kept telling myself is normal because I am not eating much. I have started to kindof black out when I stand too quickly, ALL THE TIME, not just occasionally. I also feel like I can't catch my breath and my heart starts beating faster, which could be anxiety over thinking I am going to pass out. So I am adding calories and starting my exercise routine early. I feel really bad because I just can't make myself do the diet anymore. I will continue to post because technically I am still on the same diet just didn't quite finish phase 2! I have lost 8 lbs so far and hope to at least keep that off!!!!

Still going strong....

2010-01-11T07:38:00.001-07:00

I have kept to my diet and have lost 7 lbs in 7 days!! It is great, except I am hungry and tired..... If I get down to my goal weight I will jump into phase three of the diet sooner than expected and will get to eat dairy and some carbs!! My only complaint is that I feel weak, but that is to be expected when you aren't eating as much as you are used to! I really feel good about changing all my eating habits and plan to keep up on it the rest of my life!!! I really miss sugar, I was suprised to find out I really did eat a lot of sugar because it is in EVERYTHING. I will have to look at labels more closely now! Two weeks left (unless I lose the weight faster) and I am done with the CRASH part of the diet!!

The dreaded Diet

2010-01-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

So, I started my diet and giving up soda is seeming to be the easy part.... I thought that would be hardest. I am not "hungry" but I feel like I should be snacking all the time and the diet I am on is strict about how much you can eat a day so I try spreading it out but find I still want to snack when my snack is gone!!!
I have lost 3 lbs in 3 days so that is good, and 1/2 inch off my waist and butt. Everywhere else is still the same, but at least my fatty areas are shrinking a little..... I am going to try and post every couple days if only to motivate myself not to cheat and hopefully there will be good things to post about!!!

The Aquarium

2010-01-02T08:23:00.001-07:00

Hayden loved the Aquarium! He really liked the sting rays, but didn't dare to touch them! He kept making sure there was glass so the fish/sharks/sting rays couldn't fall out and land on him!!! It was alot of fun!

Happy Birthday

2009-12-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Baby Carter......... I miss you.....

It seems so strange that just one year ago I was having a baby today. I rang in the New Year just me and him at the hospital and came home on January 1st of this year. He would be one today, and I wish I could see how he turned out. When would he have crawled? walked? talked? What would his first word have been? Would he actually eat real food, unlike his brother Hayden who eats only starches? There is so much I missed out on and I feel cheated. I will never KNOW my baby. We were just getting used to each other. He will always be my baby, but never my child... we never got that far. Hayden keeps asking why everyone gets to keep their babies and ours had to die. He says it's not fair. I don't know what to do but agree with him. It's just another day, just another year is going to begin. A year that Carter never exhisted in. More time to go by and erase him. I wish I could go back and freeze time. Just be with him one more time knowing what I lost. I always said I didn't like the newborn stage because it is so hard and I just couldn't wait until he was older so I could really enjoy him. Now I wish I had tried harder to enjoy what was there. He was such a good baby. How could I have not loved every minute? I miss him and will always love him..... I just wish he were still here.

New Years Resolution Time Again

2009-12-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

It is time to make the same old Resolutions again!!

1. Give up Soda Pop.....For good!
2. Lose that 10 to 15 pounds that won't go anywhere!
3. Stop spending so much money on basically nothing (at least nothing I NEED)
4. Stop giving Hayden everything he asks for (might be the hardest one!)
5. Train for the Ragnar race in June!!!!

This year I really hope to keep at least a couple resolutions, they seem to be about the same every year and it is getting old!!! Wish me luck and I will keep my blog updated on my progress!!

MY VERSION OF CHRISTMASES WHEN YOU WERE MINE...

2009-12-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

My Momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope your well
Well I'm doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But last Christmas was when you were mine

I've been doing "ok" without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
And everybody's here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold

But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause last Christmas was when you were mine

Merry Christmas everybody
That'll have to be something I just say this year
I hang your stocking by the rest
I wonder what you'd be like if you were here

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But I wonder where you are tonight
Cause last Christmas was when you were mine

You were mine

Hayden is Crazy!

2009-11-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

I was driving Hayden to Daycare and goofing around making him laugh when he farted... he pauses and starts laughing again and says "Your so funny you make my butt laugh"! He is just the cutest kid ever!!!

just gotta get through the holidays

2009-11-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

I miss my baby..............

Babies everywhere.....

2009-10-18T14:37:00.000-06:00

Is it just me or is EVERYONE having or just had a baby this year!! I know I am ultra sensitive but it seems like Carter would have had a ton of little friends to play with and it is just another reason why it sucks that my baby is gone. I am happy for all of the people having babies but can't help but be jealous at the same time. It makes me feel like I am being punished because there is no reason my Carter should have died. Sorry if I offend anyone but I just had to get that out. I love being around babies and am sooo glad that I know a lot of people with babies, but sometimes it makes me a little depressed to see all the babies grow up because I should be experiencing a lot of that right now. I dream about babies all the time, they just are never my babies and I always wake up feeling empty. Carter would be 10 months old this month and the more time that goes by, the more I wonder what he would be like now.......

HAYDEN letters....finally.

2009-10-10T08:54:00.000-06:00

I finally made Hayden his Mod Podge letters for his room!! It only took 4 years to just do it!!! I think they turned out really good and am excited to hang them in his room.

Proud Mommy Monday!!! Such a nice boy!

2009-10-05T13:44:00.000-06:00

I am going to give this "Proud Mommy Monday" a shot!!!!

Last week my 4 year old, Hayden, and I were watching TV and there was a cute girl on the show we were watching. He told me he liked her and that he should "get one of those" so he could tell her she is pretty and be really nice to her!!! It made me feel good because he is such a sweet little boy and I like to think I have a little to do with that. He always calls me pretty because he knows how much I love hearing him say it. It was a cartoon and the girl was blonde and curvy so he already knows what "the media's" idea of pretty is, but I am hoping it is a look into how he will treat the women in his life in the future!!!! I know he is quite young and won't have girlfriends for a VERY (hopefully) long time, but I do hope he treats them well!!!

New Moon Experience!!!

2009-10-01T08:14:00.000-06:00

Join us for two days of twilight saga craziness
and live the New Moon Experience by visiting
Forks, La Push and Volterra all under
one roof in Salt Lake City!

Tickets on Sale Now at www.eventsbyalice.com

Hayden is 4!

2009-09-28T14:52:00.000-06:00

My little guy is growing up soooo fast! It feels like he has grown so much this year. He had his birthday party yesterday and it was a lot of fun! He was kind of a present snob and didn't act excited when it was clothes or something he didn't know what it did. Today he has played with everything and loves them all!!!!! He spent the day with his daddy and they went to Classic Skating and played in the "Jungle" and bounce houses. He had a lot of fun and even brought a sucker he won to me at work. We have is gymnastics class tonight and he is excited to go on his birthday!!! He told me he never needs toys again because he has too many now!!! I think that will change the next time we go to the store and he sees something new. I feel like I didn't do very well with the planning of his birthday and I even forgot to buy candles for his cake so he didn't get to blow them out :( He said he didn't want to any way, so I guess it was ok. It just didn't seem as exciting as usual, and I don't know if it ever will be again. I just feel bad for Hayden because I can't seem to get into anything like I used to, and I know christmas will be hard this year, and maybe even every year. Christmas was my favorite holiday, but now it just seems so silly that we spend so much money and try so hard to make it perfect and end up stressed out. I guess I won't get as stressed because I know it can never be perfect now............ I just feel like something is missing from everything that I do now.

September already?

2009-09-13T16:12:00.001-06:00

I can't believe it is September already and Hayden is turning 4! He is so excited to finally have a birthday, he has been counting down all summer. He is getting so big. I wish I could see what Carter would look like now and I wish I could see how my two boys played together. They never got the chance to get to know each other. Hayden still talks about him and asks if I am sad because I just have a kid (him) and not a baby. It has been 5 months since Carter died and he would be almost 9 months old. I feel like I am slowly forgetting him and keep looking at pictures to try and remind me. I have forgotten what its like to have to get up every couple hours and I don't hear Carter crying anymore, I actually haven't for a while and just realized it. Sometimes I think it is so unfair that everyone else gets to go on with their lives, can actually get over it and just think of it as an unfortunate event when I have to re-live it every day of my life. I thought I might be able to put all the "what if's" behind me but they get stronger and more determined to pull me down. I know there was nothing I could have done and I know if I had waited to take him off the ventilator he still wouldn't have made it but I can't help but think what if. Did I make the biggest mistake a parent could make, did I give up on my baby too soon, was there a miracle just waiting for me if only I could have waited a little longer? I will never know for sure. I feel like I was being selfish because the doctors said he wouldn't make it and I didn't want to sit at the hospital for another couple days and just watch him get worse so I let them turn off the machines. Not for Carter, for myself. I couldn't take anymore, so I just gave in. I always thought I would do anything for my children, endure whatever pain and heartache that was thrown at me and now I look back and think I just gave up. I couldn't even think at all so I just did whatever was the easiest way out. Give up. Go home. I know I am being hard on myself but that is how I see it now. A good mother would have given him a chance to become a miracle but I looked at him and didn't see my Baby Carter anymore so I just let him go. I didn't know if I should even write this, I feel like it is some deep secret that should never be repeated. I feel like I did something wrong. I am just hoping that if I can write it all down maybe I will be able to let some of it go. This is how I see my baby's life: He was born, he had a bad diaper rash because I gave him juice to help him poop, he got one of my hairs wrapped around his toe and it almost cut it off, I took him on a walk on a very cold night, he had RSV and was in the Hospital for a week, he stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital and put on a ventilator, they said he was without oxygen for too long and I let them turn off the ventilator, he died.
I feel like his whole life I made one mistake after another. I never really got to just love him. He was my whole life for 9 months in my belly and 3 months and 15 days as my perfect little baby that I just couldn't get anything right with. I miss him. I missed out on raising another little boy and FEEL like it somehow my fault even though I KNOW it isn't anyone's fault. A mother should be able to take care of her child.

...........

2009-08-15T11:45:00.001-06:00

The Dash for Donation was good, even the an 85 year old man beat us!!! I didn't do was well as I thought I would, but I am not used to running on hills. Only 2 minutes longer than my goal though! My mom won in her age group which is really cool. Hayden really wanted to play soccer so we had him all excited and found out that he is three weeks too young. Now he is just devastated and was crying and calling me a liar because I told him he could be on a team and then told him he was too young this year. We are now trying to find a gymnastics class for him. We went to an open house today and he would'nt listen to the teacher and wanted to just jump on the trampoline. I have another introductory class on Monday at a different one that seems to be more for toddler age kids. If he isn't good and doesn't listen he just won't get to do it. I know he would have fun, but I raised a mammas boy and he usually gets what he wants so doesn't understand why he can't jump when he wants! It has now been four months since Carter died and it seems like an eternity and also like it was just yesterday. I miss him more and more. I wish I could have seen him grow up. So much happens in the first year, he would be a totally different baby now. Hayden always complains that he doesn't have anyone to play with and it just breaks my heart because that was what Carter was supposed to be doing, entertaining Hayden! I don't know if I will ever get "used" to the new normal. People ask if Hayden is my only child and sometimes I say yes even though I know they are just gonna ask if I will have anymore and then I have to lie again and say maybe sometime and they ask why so far apart in age and it becomes a whole big stupid lie so I can avoid telling them I HAD a baby and he died so I did have plans but it didn't work out so now I just don't know what I will do. I can't decide if the lie is easier or just more uncomfortable for me but less for the poor person who just wants to have small talk, but at least I don't cry. I just wish Carter was still here so Hayden had a friend and I had my baby and nobody has to be uncomfortable, but that is not an option so this is my life now. We went to a fundraiser for a family that needs a transplant and there was a little boy there maybe around how old Carter would be and he had a birthmark on his forehead like Carter. He didn't really look like Carter other than he was a white baby with blonde hair, but that birthmark was a lot like Carter's. Not shaped like a heart but in the same spot. I had too leave early so I didn't start crying. I never expect things to make me cry but sometimes even wierd things do. I saw a toddler bed strapped to a car and it made me cry, or we went to Thanksgiving Pointe and I was deciding if I should take a stroller than remembered I donated everything to the inner city mission because I couldn't look at it all just sitting around my house and that made me cry. I wonder if I should have gave it ALL away but I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and needed something to do so that was it. The morning after he died I went through the whole house and anything we were saving for Carter was donated. Now if we ever do have another kid I will have to buy everything!!! Oh well, it would have been hard to see all his stuff even with a new baby if I can talk myself into getting pregnant again.

Dash for Donation

2009-08-05T12:59:00.001-06:00

On Saturday, August 8th my mom, sister and sister-in-law and I are going to do the 5k Dash for Donation. It benifits the Intermountain Donor Services or Organ Donation in Utah. We donated Carter's heart valves (everything else was too small to donate) and JJ is a Cornea Donor recipient. I keep thinking I need to do something to remember him, and nothing seems to help. His name is also going on the Donor Monument at the Salt Lake City Library and they are having an unveiling ceremony on August 29th. www.idslife.org/monument-i.php I don't know if seeing his name up there will help, pretty sure it won't, but it is a nice gesture I guess. I keep wondering what he would look like now at 7 and half months old. He looked just like Hayden when he was born but had started to change just before he died. I pictured him bigger than Hayden and just different, but I will never know. I also keep wondering if I hadn't taken him for a walk on a cold night in March maybe he wouldn't have gotten RSV and maybe his lungs would have been stronger so maybe he wouldn't have died. I know I can't change anything but I keep thinking MAYBE........
If I just knew WHY he died I might not wonder so much. SIDS just isn't a good enough answer for me, there HAS to be a reason and nobody can tell me WHY. I think about having another baby. Still not quite sure. Hayden wants me to "grow" another baby that looks like Carter. I don't know if I would want another boy, not wanting to replace Carter, but I don't really get to choose. I can't even imaging being pregnant again, and I really don't want to be. Adopting just seems silly when I can physically have a baby on my own. My friends that finally adopted after four years of trying and so many dissapointments are now pregnant and their babies will be only 8 months apart. I am so happy for them, but can't help feeling cheated because my baby was taken from me and they get to have two now. I know it is horrible and selfish but I can't help thinking it. I see people that have a lot of kids or pregnant women with young children always think why couldn't I have that, that should be me. It is especially hard to see two little brothers together and how Hayden has no siblings and wants a brother so badly. He sees kids riding by our window and always yells out "are they coming to my house to play?" and I have to tell him no and he just wants someone to play with. Even if I got pregnant right now they would be almost five years apart. I am not ready yet and the longer I wait the older Hayden gets. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could adopt a two year old but I am not sure I am up to going through the process of adoption let alone have the money to even try. I just keep letting time pass and it brings me along with it.

Harry Potter!

2009-07-17T09:01:00.000-06:00

I LOVED the new movie!! It captured the humor in the books sooooo much better than the previous movies. I went in expecting a dark and depressing movie and was pleasantly surprised at how funny it was. It has a very dark undertone which they balanced out so well with the humor. They did leave out a lot again, but I guess you can't avoid it or it would have gone from 2 hr 45 min to 5 hours. The last book is being split into two movies which is a good idea but they couldn't do that with all of them or there would be 14 movies!!!! I hope they keep the same people(director, producer, ect...) on the last ones because I enjoyed everything about this movie!!!!

Time...........

2009-07-14T12:22:00.000-06:00

Time just keep passing by. I can hardly believe it has been 3 months since my baby died. It doesn't seem right, like time should just stand still, but it can't. It is Tuesday July 14th and he died on Tuesday April 14th. Yesterday at 9:00am I just kept thinking how just three months ago I got a call that changed my world. "Your baby is not breathing, you have to come here now." I knew I had lost him as soon as I heard those words. I don't know how or why I knew, but I just knew. We are moving on with our lives, even though I feel like I shouldn't. I don't really have a choice though, I have to let Hayden have a normal life and that means I can't stay in bed all day and cry non stop or I worry it will affect him in a bad way. I do talk about Carter with him a lot and he likes to visit the cemetery with us. I just try to make it casual and answer whatever questions he has as best as I can. We went to a family reunion and a birthday party on Saturday. The reunion was hard because I haven't seen most of them since Carter died and some of them from out of state never even met Carter. The birthday party was hard because it was for a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I will never get to celebrate a birthday for Carter and he will never be one. I try to just act normal and not upset anybody, but it is getting harder as it continues to sink in that I can't just enjoy things anymore. I will always think of Carter whenever I do anything. He is always on my mind. I keep getting emails from Parenting Weekly about how old he should be and I can't bring myself to stop them because I want to know. I used to look forward to them every Tuesday, see what milestones to look forward to and what to expect from him. I try to picture what he would look like now or what he would be doing but I can't, all I see is my little 3 month old that looked like he was 6 months old. He was so big for his age. I miss him. I missed out on so much with him. He was supposed to complete my life not turn it upside down. I guess I will just have to let time continue to take me along for the ride, that is all I can do now, let it take over and hopefully start to heal my heart.

Song Lyrics

2009-07-03T06:58:00.000-06:00

Sometimes a song can help describe how I feel, Stop and Stare by One Republic keeps coming on the radio and it seems to describe me right now.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see?

They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, Some never thought I could
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down

2 months.....

2009-06-15T11:29:00.000-06:00

I couldn't wait for Carter to be 6 months old. It is kind of a marker for me for when they start interacting more and become a little mobile and it starts getting fun. It seemed like he would never get there and here I am at almost 6 months and he didn't make it. I remember when he was a couple weeks old I would just burst into tears because I thought he would get sick or hurt and that I would just wish he was already six months old and it was summer and out of the sick season. I now wish I would have had more fun with him and cherished the time we did have together. I missed writing yesterday which would really be 2 months from his death. I feel guilty that I almost forgot what day it was. I didn't think about it until I was going to bed, for some reason I thought yesterday was the 13th and today would be the 14th. I don't know what that means, maybe I don't think about him enough or maybe I just try not to think about how long it has been. Most of the time I just fantasize about what he would be doing if he were with me. I picture him sitting on my lap while I watch TV or playing in his excersaucer and making noises when I am reading. It always ends up being Hayden I compare it to because Carter never really got to do those things so I don't know what he would sound like. I try to pretend it is real but it never really works. I still can't accept that he is gone when there was nothing wrong with him. I still feel like I must have just made him up, but that doesn't make sense because I was pregnant and I held him and I loved him. He was mine and I was his but we can't be together and it is too hard to let my self believe that. I think it gets harder as time passes. It isn't as hard every day, but when I do have a rough day it is really hard to just go to work and act like everything is fine and pretend that I don't notice all the babies that come in or people going on with their lives as if nothing could ever go wrong when I know that at any moment their phone could ring and nothing would ever be the same again. I know that I am not the only one to have gone through a tragedy, but most of the time I feel so alone. I don't know if I will ever feel safe and secure. I don't know if I can let myself be happy when it can all be taken away. I WAS happy I HAD everything I wanted. Now I just don't dare to plan ahead when usually I have at least a couple years planned out. I am afraid to commit myself to something because who knows what might happen to change it all? All I can do now is whatever is best for Hayden. I just want him to feel safe and secure no matter how I am feeling.

Babies.....

2009-06-10T21:05:00.000-06:00

I went to my Brother's twins baby blessing on Sunday and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. They changed AJ's name to Andrew Joshua Carter Hanks, which is nice because I don't think we will have any more children to name after him. I have found that other babies don't make me miss Baby Carter any more than I already do, he was so one of a kind that they just don't remind me of him other than that they are a baby. He was so big and so expressive, even at only 3 months old he had so many different "looks" that he would give for whatever reasons. I feel like he was trying so hard to comunicate with me all the time. I keep thinking holding a baby will be too hard and make me sad, but I have held two different babies now (AJ and my friend Toshi's baby) and it doesn't feel right, I guess it feels like it should, like it is someone else's baby and not my Carter. I felt like he was mine when I held him and like he knew just who I was and was so content to just let me hold him. I guess it is a good thing but my arms ache to get that feeling back and I know that I never will. It was even different than with Hayden, being my first it took almost a year for me to feel like he was mine and to just know that I am a Mom and will never not be again. With Carter I was a Mom from the beginning so it just felt normal and right to have a baby at home. I didn't have to change my life to fit him into it, I felt like he was always a part of it. Now I am just trying to adjust to not having him here. When I walked into the gym at the baby blessing I felt like I should be holding him and taking care of him, it felt like everyone looking at me would notice something was missing like if I had lost an arm or a leg. It feels like I have physically changed and that it is noticable to anyone who looks at me that my baby is missing. It is a really weird feeling and I wonder if it will ever go away. Will I feel disfigured still in 10 years or 20?

I LOVE YOU CARTER

2009-06-03T15:55:00.000-06:00

I LOVED HIM BEFORE I MET HIM
I KNEW HE WAS MEANT FOR ME
I PROMISED TO LOVE HIM FOREVER
NOT KNOWING HOW HARD IT WOULD BE

I THOUGHT ALL MY DREAMS HAD COME TRUE
I HAD TWO PERFECT CHILDREN
I DID ALL I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO
I THOUGHT OUR LIVES WERE JUST BEGINNING

HE WAS SO SUDDENLY TAKEN
THIS CHILD I LOVED SO DEAR
I NEVER KNEW ABOUT HEARTACHE
UNTIL HE WAS NO LONGER HERE

I FEEL IT WASN'T FAIR TO ME
TO HAVE HAD HIM SUCH A SHORT TIME
HE TOUCHED MY LIFE SO ENORMOUSLEY
A MORE BEAUTIFUL CHILD YOU WON'T FIND

I HAD HEARD OF GRIEF AND ANGUISH
I THOUGHT I KNEW OF PAIN
ALL OTHER PAIN I COULD DEAL WITH
IF I COULD HAVE HIM BACK AGAIN

I HAD MY LIFE PLANNED OUT FOR ME
THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN
HE WAS A PART OF EVERY HOPE AND DREAM
HOW DOES LIFE GO ON WITHOUT HIM?

NEW MOON!

2009-06-01T15:36:00.001-06:00

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would be.......

2009-05-30T21:39:00.001-06:00

Carter would be 5 months old today. This year is going to be soooo hard because I just imagine what he would be doing every month. He would be starting to crawl or scoot and getting good at sitting up. I would be starting fruits this month. He would be sleeping better and we would have our routine established. I feel like I have been robbed of the life I should have. Hayden has been asking about him too. He wants to know why I put him in heaven and it makes me wonder what would have happened if I let him stay on the ventilator another day-week-month anything. I try to explain it to Hayden, but how do you explain something like SIDS? I don't understand it myself. He wasn't sick, didn't have an accident, so how do I tell my 3 year old that sometimes babies die for no reason at all. I used my massage gift card that the girls at work gave me at Carter's baby shower today. All I could think about was Carter and how he was the reason I was getting the massage and he's not even waiting for me at home. I want to be able to enjoy things, but then feel guilty about it so I end up not enjoying much. I feel so lost. I just want life to go on as usual and it does, but it feels so different now.

Going Camping.

2009-05-22T12:25:00.002-06:00

We are going camping this weekend, it is sad because I was looking forward to Baby Carter's first trip. It will be hard, but Hayden is really excited to go and I don't want to disappoint him. We got the autopsy results and he was perfectly normal, so it is SIDS. I am having a hard time accepting that they just don't know what happened to him. My husbands friend put it a good way, they don't have a sudden adult death syndrome so why is it they don't know why so many babies die? It probably wouldn't help me if they had found some genetic problem that caused his death, but at least then it would be something, not nothing. We did everything right and he was a perfect, healthy, beautiful little boy and he still died. I do think about having another baby now, but I still can't see actually doing it. I was done having children, and I don't know if I can put my body through it again and I know I can't go through losing a child again. I am just so scared. This is not what I had planned, and I have to accept that my life will never be what I wanted it to be now and all of my hopes and dreams will never come true because Carter was a part of all of them the moment I got pregnant. I just have to live THIS life now and I don't know when it will feel like MY life again. I just have to keep going and believe that someday I will be able to hope and dream again.

One month.

2009-05-14T11:22:00.000-06:00

It has been a month since my Baby Carter died. It feels so long ago and like it was yesterday. I miss him so much and think about him all the time. I wonder if I will ever feel the same, but I think I look and act the same on the outside. I don't see myself though so I don't know. I can't believe that time has just gone on the same as always when it feels so different to me and yet everyday the sun comes up and every night it goes back down. Weeks don't feel the same to me, there are no weekdays and weekends just days that run together. I wonder if anyone really understands what I write or really pays attention, but it doesn't matter. I think it helps for me to get it out there for people to see because I usually keep my emotions to myself and try not to let others see me upset. It is really hard to act like nothing is wrong all the time, when I just don't even feel like I will ever be "ME" again. I guess I just have to find a new me somewhere in the middle. I want to ask people if they think I am different now, because I try so hard not to show how much I am hurting so others don't feel akward around me, but if I ask then I have to admit that I am not the same and I am still hurting SO much all the time. I don't cry as much, but I think you can only sob so much and then you just don't have the energy to do it anymore. I just cry a little and then go on with my day. Hayden sees me cry sometimes and tells me it's ok and I can grow another baby in my tummy for my birthday (he is so obsessed with birthdays right now and his isn't until September), but I don't know how to tell him I am too scared to try. It did happen to me and my Carter, and it can happen again and I just can't take that chance. I might go and see my friend whose baby was born the day Carter died. I haven't held a baby for a month now and I don't know if it will be too hard, but I can't avoid babies forever. I really want to feel a baby in my arms again, it won't ever be the same as my Carter, but I am hoping it might make me feel something again. I just feel numb a lot of the time. I know I will cry and hope I won't upset my friend too much. Well, I was only going to post a short comment on the one month mark, but like always I end up just rambling all my thoughts I can't seem to say out loud. Thanks for reading, and I hope I don't bring people down. Just know it helps me to let people know how I feel when I can't come out and say it.

Work.

2009-05-06T17:29:00.000-06:00

I can't decide if it is good to be back at work or if it is just too hard. Most of the day I am ok, but when I run out of things to do I start thinking how life is exactly the same as it was before, I only have one child to pick up at daycare and I don't have to worry about feeding Carter or getting him to sleep. It is as if my life is back to how it was before I got pregnant and it is so hard to act like that is ok. I am exhausted by the end of the day and I think it is from trying go about the day like I normally would. I miss my baby so much and it is physically draining. I feel bad when things work out for me because I should be thinking about how what I do or don't do will affect Carter and when I do something I wouldn't have done with a baby I feel so guilty. I just want him back and it is so frustrating that there is nothing I can do to get him back. I would quit my job and sell everything we own and move to a tiny apartment if I could only have my Baby Carter. It doesn't work like that. I wonder when I will be able to write about something happy again. Hayden has been coming running with me and he really enjoys it. We go to the High School track and the kids play in the middle while we run around. I feel like I need to get him out more so we don't all end up depressed and stuck inside all day. We are still going to go camping over Memorial because Hayden is looking forward to it so much. I am not sure how that will go. We chose somewhere nearby because of Carter and now he isn't going to be there. I was so excited for his first camping trip and now it is another first that we have to miss. He would be getting teeth pretty soon and even maybe starting to try to crawl. He was so young it breaks my heart to think of everything he didn't get to do or try. He never even got to go outside really because it was always too cold. Now it is so nice out and all I can think about is how much fun Carter would have watching Hayden play outside.

He would be 4 Months

2009-04-30T09:20:00.001-06:00

Carter would be 4 months old today. I had plans to start giving him rice cereal this weekend. I had so many things planned out around him that I don't really know what to do now. I am going to try to go back to work tommorow, but I don't know how that will go. This week has been the hardest because the shock and numbness is wearing off and now I just have to accept that I don't have a baby anymore. I watched some video we took of him and he was crying in the hospital one so now I can remember his cry. He was so perfect, I don't know what could have happened to him. I only have 11 minutes and 29 seconds left of my baby. I should have filmed him more, but I was waiting for him to do something more interesting. He never even rolled over all by himself. I did get Hayden singing you are my sunshine to him. Hayden was so excited to have a brother. Now he just keeps asking if we can check and make sure he is really dead. I don't know what to tell him other than what we already have, he died and can't come home again. I feel like I am frozen and everyone else can go on with life, but I am stuck in this nightmare and don't know how long I will be here. Probably forever. I don't think I will ever be "OK" again. I can act like I am ok, and I can do what normal people do, but my "normal" will never be the same. Why do they say you "lost" your baby? I didn't lose him, I have always known where he is and I still do. I didn't lose him, he died. I have tried to go back on my PW December babies site, but it tells me how old he WOULD be if he were alive so it is too hard. I find myself getting angry watching TV when John and Kate got 6 babies at one time and they are all ok, or the Duggers have like 18 children and they are all fine. Why couldn't I have two? Why did my baby die? I know it is stupid and I don't wish this on anyone ever, but I can't help asking why over and over again everyday. Why me, why Carter?

Hayden is my rock.

2009-04-28T09:45:00.000-06:00

I don't know what I would do without Hayden. He makes me smile when I don't think it is possible. We visited Carter's grave yesterday and he still doesn't understand that he is never coming home and that we go to the grave to remember him. ( I don't want to tell him that his body is in the ground just yet, I think it will scare him) I was talking to Carter, telling him I miss him and love him and such, Hayden looked at me really funny and then looked at the flowers on the grave and then told me "I don't think flowers talk back mom". I had to laugh. He tells me not to be sad anymore and that Carter is ok. Without Hayden I really don't know if I could handle this. I know I will never forget Carter and never get over his death, but with Hayden's help I think I will be ok. He is my rock.

Carter's funeral

2009-04-25T16:52:00.001-06:00

First here is a picture of Carter before we took him off life support. They had already taken a lot of the wires and IVs out.

Our Aunt took some pictures at the funeral.

This is Hayden and his cousin dressed up for his brother.

Will I remember?

2009-04-25T09:40:00.000-06:00

I am having a really hard time this week remembering my baby. We took Hayden to the Dr. and I heard a baby crying and I can't remember what Carter's cry sounds like. It is really upsetting me because when he was alive I could pick out his cry in a crowded room, but now I just don't remember and it has only been a little over a week. I still feel like he was a dream and can't seem to convince myself that it was real. I was pregnant for 9+ months and had him for 3 1/2 more and it seems like that year never happened and someone is playing a horrible joke on me saying that I had a beautiful angel and than he died. I don't know if I will ever feel normal again. I feel bad that I get to sleep in and don't have to feed him every four hours anymore, I feel like something is missing and I am forgetting something all the time. I feel like I am going crazy and don't know if I can go back to work, but I know I will go crazy if I stay home all day much longer. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my baby back in my arms. Babies don't die. They shouldn't. He was fine in the morning and then he just wasn't. I will never understand why this has happened to me and my angel.

My Baby is Gone?

2009-04-21T19:29:00.001-06:00

It has been one week since Baby Carter died in my arms. I don't really know how to feel or what to do, life just keeps happening when it feels like it shouldn't. Sometimes I think I just dreamed him up and he was never really here, but there are all the pictures that prove his exhistance. I have always wondered what goes through people's minds when faced with a tragedy and now I can only say not much. Everything looks and seems the same, but it is so very different now. It is as if I am just going through the motions, not actually living them. I eat, I sleep, I cry but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I am actually sleeping or just laying there all night, but I am not really tired. I didn't know if I should even write in my blog anymore, I don't want to upset anybody or have anyone feel sorry for me. That is the hardest part. You can see it in their eyes if they "KNOW" and if they don't then I feel like they should because he was such a big part of MY life how could anyone not notice he is gone? I am trying to keep busy. We are planting a garden to remember him in, which seems silly sometimes but it is something to do. I feel guilty buying anything or eating out because I should be home mourning my loss. I don't know how to do this, how to grieve. I have never felt such powerful emotions and yet I feel they should be more powerful and all consuming. I get up because I am supposed to and with Hayden's help I try to keep life as normal as possible, but it is not normal, someone is missing. I don't know how I am going to go back to work. I guess it will be just like it is now, the same, only different. Life does go on after losing a baby, even if it feels like it shouldn't.

My little angel.

2009-04-16T07:26:00.000-06:00

What Next???

2009-03-31T13:00:00.000-06:00

Not even a month after his toe incident Baby Carter is back at the hospital!! I took him to Kid Care on Wednesday night because he was wheezy and breathing kind of hard. They looked at him and gave him albutoral (spelling?) and he wasn't getting enough oxygen so they sent a fire truck to take him to Primary Children's!! It was very surreal and feels like a dream, but he is finally getting better and after 6 days we are now home!! I am afraid to be here without all the monitors but it is good to be home. Now I just hope he can finish getting better and we can go on with our lives! He is my little trooper!! He was so good the whole time we were there!

My poor baby!

2009-03-08T16:57:00.000-06:00

Carter was crying and crying one night, and since he is usually an angel child we couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. I just assumed he must be having tummy trouble and tried to calm him as best as I could. I was changing his clothes when I noticed his toe was red, looking closer it looked like it was about to pop off!! I rushed him to the ER and he had a hair wrapped around two toes and one was cut almost to the bone!!! They got the hair off and gave him an antiobotic shot and after about 4 hours sent us home. We had to come back the next day to follow up, and they prescribed an oral antibiotic and I was to go to the pediatrician the next day to have him look at it! He is alright but it was quite a shock! Apparently it is pretty common in the winter with very young infants! They can't tell you what hurts and you don't bathe them as often and keep them in socks or footie pajamas all day and night! I feel really bad, but he is back to his usual calm self again!!!

CUTIE PIE!

2009-02-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

Carter is getting so big and cuter every day!!

Hayden!

2009-02-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

We decided to try and let Hayden do things for himself to make him feel like a "Big Boy" and so he has been putting his dishes in the sink and getting his own snacks and helping me feed Carter. He also has been dressing himself in the morning, he usually does pretty good but every once in a while he comes down in crazy outfits like this one!

He seems so big to me now that he can do a lot for himself, now if only he would potty train!!

Smile!

2009-01-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

Baby Carter is smiling now!! He is getting so big! He is as big as Hayden was at almost 3 months! He might luck out and actually be tall!

2 weeks old!

2009-01-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

We went to Baby Carters 2 week appointment and he is doing well, he gained 1 pound from his birth weight which is almost 2 pounds from when we left the hospital!! He had to have the heel prick for the PKU and he screamed the whole time. :( He seems a little bigger and kind of interacts, but is still mostly just an eating, sleeping, pooping machine!! Here is a new picture!!

Finally here!!

2009-01-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

My water broke on my way to my doctor appointment to see if he had turned and if I would be able to be induced or have a c section on Tuesday 12/30/08. So we headed to Labor and Delivery instead and told them he was breech and they rushed us in to get an ultrasound and he had turned!!! Lucky my water broke because they were too busy and would not have been able to induce me until January!! I wasn't having any contractions so they hooked me up to pitocin and they started right away. I got an epidural early because there were 3 c sections going on and he might not have been able to get to me later, I am glad I did because I progressed really fast and the contractions were one on top of another and all I felt was the pressure!!! I started feeling a TON of pressure and the nurse and doctor were busy with 4 deliveries and 3 c sections!! The doctor missed the delivery next door and the nurse had to do it all!!! He made it to me and it was time to push but now the baby was posterior and had to be turned so his head was up instead of in my tail bone. They tried the vacuum but it didn't work so they pulled out the forceps. I almost fainted, I had no idea they were so huge and my epidural had worn off and it was too late to get more!!! It hurt like crazy and I almost gave up, but it was still only about 1/2 hour total that I felt the pain. He was born 12/30/08 at 4:53 and weighed 7 lb 14 oz and was 21 inches long. That is almost 2 lbs and 2 inches bigger than Hayden!! It was all worth it and he is a very mellow baby, as long as you hold him!!!! He didn't sleep alone at all last night, but if I laid by him he slept pretty well!! I will have to figure something out!! We are all excited and Hayden loves his new brother!!

No baby, he is breach:(

2008-12-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

We went to the hospital to be induced and I mentioned that Baby Carter had moved a lot more than usual last night so they did an ultra sound to make sure he was head down. He had completely flipped and was now head in the ribs!!! They tried to turn him, but he wouldn't budge and that was the most painful experience ever!! The doctor gave me two choices, wait or have a c section now. I have never had surgery so I am scared to do the c section and I don't want to have one if there is a chance he will turn again, so now I wait until I go into labor or go in next Tuesday to be induced or have a c section if he hasn't turned. I am very disappointed, but I guess he is not ready yet!! Now I have to wait again..........

Dilated...

2008-12-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

I am finally dilated!! We can get induced on Monday!! I still hope to go into labor before, tonight maybe!!!! But at least I will get my baby before Christmas! Here are some pictures of us messing around the Christmas tree!! Hopefully the next time I post will be of Baby Carter!!!

Contractions?

2008-12-13T23:06:00.001-07:00

I have been having contractions for about 2 hours, every 3-5 minutes!! I don't want to get my hopes up, but maybe he will be here soon!!!! It was the same with Hayden, I didn't have any labor at all or any dilation ect...... I really want to not be pregnant!! I was going to clean the house tomorrow and will be disappointed if I have to!!! Please let this be it!! December 14th sounds wonderful for a birthday!!!

Well, no baby yet:( I had consistent contractions from about 9:00 pm to 1:00 am! They started getting uncomfortable at 12:00 and than just stopped at 1:00 am:( I never had BH with Hayden so I really thought this was it, now I am tired and disappointed, and I have to clean the house today:( I hope the contractions at least got me ready to be induced on the 22nd, I will find out on Wednesday if we can go ahead with the induction!!!

2 Weeks Left!

2008-12-05T16:22:00.001-07:00

I only have two weeks left!!! I am so excited to finally have Baby Carter come home!!! Hayden asks me when we can go to the doctor to get him out, he is ready to have his mommy back!! I guess it will be a shock for him, I won't be able to spend a lot of time with him until everything is settled, but I will have to try to include him! I am still not dilated or anything, but with Hayden I didn't show any signs of labor until my water broke so it looks like it will be the same this time!! I have never had Braxton Hicks with either pregnancy so I don't really know what they feel like, maybe I have them and just don't know it? I have gone to part time at my job, it is just to hard to work 10 hours then come home and clean and do laundry and try to play with Hayden. Now I come home around 2:00 and JJ picks up Hayden at 5:00 so I get a little time to myself to rest and not have a three year old hanging on me! It has been nice, I forgot what "alone" felt like and I am loving my 3 hours of peace. That won't last long, now there will be a baby and a three year old fighting for my attention, but I will try to remember how fast Hayden grew up and savor the baby time, it is probably my last!!!

December, 22 2008

2008-11-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

I had my 36 week appointment today and am scheduled for an induction on the 22nd of December!!! I am glad to have an end in sight, but I do hope I can go into labor on my own!!! At least he won't have to share his birthday with Christmas!!! I am not dilated or even thinning out so I'm not sure I will go early!!

I also went to Twilight this weekend and I did like it, but I was really tired and had been on my feet all day at work and then walked around all the vendors and was not feeling too good, my feet were really swollen and I was hungry!!! I need to go to it again and decide what I think about it! It was so different than the book, but I expected that......I just thought it was cheesy and looked low budget!!! The next one should be better because they will spend 10 times the money!!!!

Birthdays?

2008-11-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

The older I get the less exciting a birthday is!! I am 28 years old today and it is just another day, JJ is sick so we aren't doing anything, I took Hayden to a doctor appointment to get his flu shot and now I am just sitting at home!!! He did really well at the doctor though, he let them check everything and helped with the "flash light" to look in his mouth and eyes!!! He even did really well with the flu shot, just got mad at her for hurting him!!! He told me one doctor was nice but the other one hurt him and then gave him a band aid to make it better!! He didn't even cry! He just wanted a sucker and to "get outta there". So that was my big birthday!! Oh well I guess I am not a kid anymore!!!

The Thanksmas celebration was really fun and Hayden enjoyed his Maryland cousins!!! Here is my favorite nativity photo of all the grandkids!!!